Jessica's not responding.
So I go on AIM... Nobody's there.
I go on Youtube... Nothing to listen to.
I go on Facebook... I don't wanna interact with anybody.
Staring at the list of unread messages on my phone. I don't wanna talk, because I know that if I do, I'll say something bad and mean and awful and horrendous that I won't ever be able to take back and that I might not mean in the future but I sure as heck mean now.
So hi there, Blogspot. (: Wow, fakest smile on the history of this planet. Definitely frowning right now.
Let's start, yeah?
I miss you and you miss me and I know I haven't been spending that much time with you, but you know why? It's 'cause every single time I do, something bad happens and I don't like that. In public, she "loves" you and smothers you with her love and praises you and acts so sweet and wonderful and then when the curtain's closed, she pushes you away, throws you in a corner, almost, dare I say, abandons you.
And I hate that. Because she's your mother and a mother's love, no matter how meager, always trumps any other person's. Always.
So this might not be true to a lot of people, but I can see it in your eyes. You yearn to be loved by her and you would anything to make her notice you, even the wrong things, but--no excuses.
Can you imagine? Going to sleep in my lap, being assured that she was going to pick you up, because I already told her two times that you could not sleep over because I was busy the next morning. And what does she do? She makes sure you're asleep, then sends your sister to call me, and tells her to tell me (yes, I can hear you over the phone, goddanggit) that they'll be picking you up tomorrow. And there I sit, stranded, stuck from holding you in my lap with no support, left with no choice. But honestly? I'd cancel whatever the heck I was doing tomorrow for you. But that's not right. Leaving your child to do your dirty work like that? How low can you stoop? And you, just lying in my lap, so innocent, probably dreaming away since you're snoring like a gramma and I never want you to wake up into this reality. I don't want you to know that she would ever leave you.
And you waking up to nobody in sight, confused by what's going on, and when it finally hits you, you start to cry. Because that's the only thing you can do. And as much as I want to help you, I can't. Because you won't talk. Because you can't stop crying. Because this is your life and you know it.
I had the privilege (some may argue, detriment, but right now, I'm sticking with privilege) of being naive and innocent for so long. Frolicking in my flowing field of flowers. And I can't help but feel sorry that you were slapped into reality so hard at such a young age. Maybe it'll make you stronger, but right now, all I see is weakness. And if this is going to be your life, you're going to have to face it. I won't always be there to hold you, to caress you, to assure you that everything's going to be okay. It's not my role to play.
I shouldn't even be crying about this because really, it has nothing to do with me. But I cry because I feel helpless. Because I am helpless. And I can't help you anymore. Because that's the only thing I can do.
You'll probably get over this in the morning. Maybe not. But I'll never get over it. Not until she makes you her first priorities. Because right now, she is, not you.
I'll always love her and I'll always love you, but I can't do this. My mother says I care too much for other people and maybe she's right. Just seeing your genuine smile brings the biggest smile to my face, but it hurts a lot when things get ugly and things turn ugly really quickly.
I'll always be this way, you know? My wall of distrust is thickening, but I'll always be here when you need me to be. Key word: need, not want. When you take advantage of me though? Nah, that's where I draw the line.
I'm sorry for all the mean words. I'm sorry for publicly talking about you like this. I'm sorry my morals prevent me from saying all this to your face.
P.S. Knowing me, y'all probably know who this is. Most likely. Just please don't say anything. No questions/comments/etc. Please don't let my judgmental judgment influence your view of anybody ever.
