Acceptance

Sometimes, people do very wrong things, but they don't think it's wrong because wrong is relative and wrong to you may not be wrong to them. You are not them and they are not you and I've been having a lot of trouble dealing with that lately.

People are who they are and you can't ask them to change for you because if you loved them, you'd just accept them, right? (I feel like I've been through this problem before but I can never figure out why.) But if they loved you, they'd at least try to be more considerate of you, right ? Or is that asking for too much?

I've been going through a lot of these internal struggles lately and I still can't figure out what the answer is.

It’s like you lure me into your cave.

This cave of comfort, security, and safety.

But it’s also Confinement.

Internal confinement.

It’s not that I can’t leave.

It's that I don’t want to anymore.

It hurts to leave.

It hurts to stay.

It hurts more to leave.

You set up this trap to let me trust you.

Then in times of trouble, you put me out as the scapegoat.

You sacrifice my happiness for yours.

I don't even think you realize what you're doing to me

which is what makes it so innocent.

So sad.

You're oblivious to your own wrongdoings

and I'm here to help

but I don't know how anymore.

Should I even help?

I love you too much to expose you to the truth

because the truth hurts

and I can't let you bear that kind of pain.

So I try to

but I can't anymore.

I'm tired and weak.

You've broken me over and over again

until broken seems almost normal now.

I've become immune.

Callous, even.

Broken is normal now.

Emotions

I had a nightmare, really. We were on a cruise ship and my dad cheated on us with another woman. I say us, because it really should affect my mom, but really, I feel like it hurt me more. In the dream, my mom was indifferent, didn't really care--the way I said I would be had anything like this happened because logically, your love couldn't satisfy him so he found another source of love. It's only fair, right? 

I don't really know anymore. I just remember being unbelievably angry. Like, imagine me spewing out expletives every other second at him and throwing things to physically hurt him for what he's done and doing everything I possible can to disown him. And the whole time, it was like he didn't regret his actions at all. He was still happy with her and I hated him for it. I could have killed him and he would still be smiling. Every single thing I did to him should have hurt him but he didn't seem like he was hurting. He was just kind of transparent; the pain just went through him and back to me, like a boomerang. And every time it came back, it multiplied my hate for him. I hated him so much that it still hurts, even though it's only a dream. (I have a slight problem separating my emotions from my dreams and reality. It's a really bad habit.)

Fun Hangover

Friday
Originally, we were supposed to go somewhere and play games and make noise and cause the ruckus that usually gets us in trouble with the authorities, but nobody on this side of campus was really feeling it, so the plan kinda dissipated. I laid down out of boredom and ended up taking a really long nap because my body was actually really tired. Woke up and Tobey and Jessica finally finished doing what they do, so we went out to eat with Derek. Up2You, then back home to play more board games and the night ended up spontaneously fun with great company. <3

Saturday
Woke up at 2 and that's all I really remember. There was also the part where Jessica made risotto and crepes. We (Jessica, Tobey, and I) also talked a lot about stuff. Like, real stuff. I really enjoyed that moment--stuffing our faces while talking openly and honestly. 'Twas spontaneously nice. <3

Sunday
Went to the Summer Kickoff event at Waterfront Park. Turns out, it's more geared towards children... Good thing I was with children, LOL. Mother henned the three boys and Jessica as they frolicked and played with oversized Legos and slid down inflatable slides. Got each other wet, climbed on jungle gyms, attempted to play volleyball (we all need help very much with this sport; spent the majority of the time chasing the ball around). Then off to Tacos El G for some very authentic(?) tacos? The stares and murmurs started to matter less as the food was devoured. As we were driving back, someone spotted Chuck E. Cheese and we veered into the lot. Spent a little bit of time there, then off to Costco for last-minute ticket-buying so that we could watch Avengers at AMC. Wing Stop was the last stop for the day, but seemed like the best, as I cannot get the image of David and Jung jumping and screaming because of that one huge cockroach by our feet. Today was nothing short of complete spontaneity and it was absolutely amazing. <3

Although I've been instilled to plan all events of my life, I've noticed a similarity in my weekend of joy: spontaneity. I've learned to value such memories very much so.

Self-Trust

Lately, I've been having trouble trusting myself physically--in the sense that I don't feel hungry anymore but my body actually needs food for energy, so I end up feeling extremely weak and not know why. Not sure if this is a biochemical defect or an evolved way of thinking, but it's got me realizing that I can no longer trust myself with such issues. Which makes me question whether I can trust myself at all.