Out of Order

Sometimes, traditions are meant to be broken.
Like rules.

Or not.

Usually, I go to Tiff's house for Christmas Eve and we celebrate there.
Then, we wake up really early to go to T&K's to open presents and spend Christmas day with them.
Then, we go on the ski trip with T&K.

None of those are happening this year.
& I guess it's "okay" because it's understandable that my cousin's engagement party is more important, but it just feels off.

Everything is just kind of out of order--in the colloquial and literal senses.

Idk, I just really need structure and balance in my life and I'm not really feeling it right now.

I hate that some of the most important people in my life have such difficulty communicating. Like, they're afraid of talking. Is it so hard to just let it out every once in a while?

I just don't understand.

Unlucky

I love the rainy weather theoretically. Sinking into your recluse, curling up with a good book and tea, doing puzzles with friends, roasting marshmallows around the fire and hot chocolate, etc. You get the idea.

However, I despise the rain when I have school. Because this kind of weather just kind of gets me feeling like Eeyore, kind of just moping around and slumping everywhere. Wait, in retrospect, maybe that's just the effect school has on me...

Anywho, when it finally stopped raining, I saw it as a sign of blessing from the deities since y'know... midterm and all. Then I got onto the shuttle and just happened to sit in the one seat under the cooling system which broke and got soaking wet. & then my pants got wet. & I took the midterm with a wet butt. Oh, the joys.

Addicted to sambusas.

Consciously sacrifice.

"Sometimes I am inundated with things to do and want to do so many of them that I can't decide on one, and eventually my decision is made for me. This is an alarmingly passive way to live, this waiting until you have no choice, like waiting until you get laid off to leave a job you hate. You let external forces eliminate your need to choose instead of making the choice yourself and taking responsibility for the consequences. It is a life lived by default."

 To do: Stop living your life by default.

It's barely Week 1 and I already feel the need to eat to compensate for the lack of happiness accompanied by studying.

Come on, Emily.

It's hard to be a strong, independent woman with period cramps.

My dad will always make the best eggs.

Bucket list: to present a speech as moving and fluently as Emma Watson.

"If not me, who?
If not now, when?"

I'm constantly changing.

Is it too much of me to want you to feel the guilt and remorse that comes with all your words, actions, and decisions? I want you to know that you affect me with the simplest roll of the eye. I want you to recognize the pain and hurt associated with me. I want you to think about how I feel for once--put me first when it matters most to me.

I used to wave away these feelings, tell myself I didn't matter as long as you were happy, but you told me otherwise. Now I'm just tired... of thinking, keeping it all in like a massive reservoir of negative emotions. My walls are cracking and you're not helping the least bit.

What do I do when talking to you doesn't work--when trying is no longer beneficial to me or to you? Is this the end? Helplessness again?

Sigh, pizza didn't even help. Nor did tacos. Maybe I'm having another one of those attention-deficient days. Maybe we should all become dogs... or burritos... or sea lions. Yeah, sea lions.

nurture vs. nature

When your roots are hypocritical, judgmental, and downright discriminating, it's difficult to believe in your own morals and grow to be the person you want to be. As much as you try to shed yourself of the bad, you're always paranoid that deep down inside, you can never get rid of it completely because it's a part of you--because it's in your blood. Then you think, how and why are you a this person? Did these cynical people raise you to be the opposite to right their wrongs? Did you grow up and decide this yourself? Maybe you're actually one of them, but going through a morally rebellious stage.

Sigh... because family.

I hate it when people keep you just for the sake of having you. But not needing you. I could have been doing things I needed to do, things I wanted to do. I'm not choosing anyone else over you. I'm putting myself first. Then when you don't allow me to do what I wanted to, I cope and live and I stay with you and do whatever you want me to. Of course I'm unhappy because you're being unreasonable and selfish but I move on. I put you first and you should know that I gave up what I wanted for you. But you don't realize that. I rarely feel appreciated. Instead, you make a big fuss and become unhappy with me. Why? Because you can't deal with the fact that you're the reason why. You can't accept responsibility for my unhappiness and you can't handle letting go of me for happiness. Then when everyone around you is drowning in unhappiness, you decide that everything's back to normal and everyone needs to be happy again.

Je n'ai pas la patate aujourd'hui. 

We were madly in love, but suddenly you left and I had no idea why. Someone just told me you had gotten on a plane and flown away but from what? Me? Us? What had I done wrong? I didn't know what to do; I was a sack of wet potatoes. All I knew how to do was cry. My best friend came over, put one hand on my shoulder, and told me, "Go to him." So I did. (Now that I think about it, that would be a completely illogical action to take. That's why, ladies and gentlemen, this is a dream.) On the way there, sadness morphed itself into anger--ferocity! Who the hell gave you permission to uproot my happiness in an instant? I don't even know how I got into the plane. I just remember storming to your assigned seat, then losing all sense of motion when I saw you sitting there. Your head was down so you didn't see me at first, so I could have gotten off the plane. You wouldn't have noticed. I could have just left and pretended like nothing had happened. But my legs wouldn't give. I couldn't go forward, couldn't reverse; my feet were glued to the ground--until the flight attendant asked me to take my seat, that is. Caught by surprise, I fumbled and almost fell onto the man two seats in front of you--that's when you decide to look up. (Of course.) I don't remember what happened next--a series of silences, stutters, unfinished sentences--but before I could say anything comprehensible, you took me into your arms and I was home again.

---

I entered the restroom with an urgent need to pee but the first stall was kind of gross looking, so I kept searching. The second stall was flowing with feces and the rest of the stalls seemed occupied. I returned to the first stall.

---

We were at some kind of convention in the wild west and suddenly, the apocalypse happened. As in, roads started to crack and people started killing each other. I told my parents to run and they did, but then I was caught by this really big man who was a teacher(?). I just respected him a lot but he was trying to kill my family, so I took one of his knives and stabbed him in his arm or leg--somewhere to slow him down but not kill him, but he just looked at me and smiled. Shocked by his nonchalant reaction, I withdrew the dagger and stabbed him in the same spot again but he still didn't respond. I started to run and caught up to my family, but somehow, the man and his accomplice was right behind me and captured me. He was about to slit my throat but then some ominous voice echoed, "Don't do it. You know she'll kill you back if you do. Just leave her be." With that, he dropped the knife and I let out a sigh of relief.

(There were more but can't remember anymore. Each time I woke up, I had the intention of going back to the previous dream to find out what happened next, but it's like my mind was telling me to move on. Off to the next adventure I go!)

fate at its finest

Last Christmas or some Christmases ago, somebody gave me this laptop case and I really didn't like, mostly because it's for a 16" and my prior baby was only 12"(?) So, it was just kind of useless to me. The case was stashed away and forgotten and my beloved malfunctioned and my uncle sprang a new laptop on me.

Then yesterday when I was cleaning the closet out, I found it again and just kind of felt sigh-what-am-i-going-to-do-with-this-now. The tags were all ripped up so I cut them off and when I brought it into my room... Lo and behold, it fits my current fatty of a laptop and is now my new laptop case.

Not sure if that'll make sense to me 10 years from now. I'm a little rusty with writing, but it's like Life is my own personalized "Fortunately, Unfortunately" book and I'm just really happy when chapters end with Fortunately.

What to do when the peacekeeper cannot keep her own peace?

I purposely fell 33 times today.

For science, not for love.

Going through memory lane, I found a list titled "Questions needed to be answered:" and here it is, word for word. I'd like to remember what elementary / middle school me was thinking. xD

1. Why can you poop what you eat but can't eat what you poop?
2. Are farandolae and mitchondria (spell check) real? Is it proven?
3. Is it true that we are not the only livings in the universe?
4. Have you ever read A Wrinkle in Time, A Wind in the Door, and Many Waters? What do you think of them?
5. Why do people die?
6. Whats the point of living if you know you're going to die?

Anybody got answers?

This weekend, I spent a lot of time with the only immediate(?) family I have on my dad's side and it surprised me at first that they invited me to go watch the movies with them, because I rarely ever hang out with them... (I don't think I've ever watched a movie with them. Ever. x_O") Anywho, Guardians of the Galaxy surprised me because I didn't expect it to be that good. I laughed so many times (AND I NEVER LAUGH AT SCREENS. Fine, I do. But rarely.) & I almost cried! (Okay, we established that I cry pretty easily too. But still. There were some very emotional moments. For me.)

Anywho, it took me half the movie to realize Bautista played Drax and when it finally hit me, it's like she was there with us again. Uniting us all. It was a warm, fuzzy feeling, like she brought us together even though it was coincidental, but still. He was one of her favorite wrestlers and we haven't really done anything together since then. (Okay, none of this probably makes any sense to y'all right now, but that's okay. Ten years from now, I'm pretty sure I'll still remember what I'm talking about.) It reminded me that she's watching over us, pulling us closer together because we're family. <3

Don't worry. I'll do my best to take care of him. I won't forget my promise to you.

Why do people get overly sensitive when discussing topics that question their judgment? Are they embarrassed to admit their faults? Is this just a human thing? Maybe I'm not approaching the subject gently enough... Merp. Tell me what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I'm too blunt so they feel like they're being attacked? Sigh, I wish people would communicate more. #hypocritical

Happy Hump Day!

So to fill in the awkward silence, the AT&T guy asked me how my day was, to which I replied, "So far, so good. What about yours?" to which he responded,

"Eh... Y'know, it's a Wednesday. Could be better."

& just when I was going to say, "Happy Hump Day!" he beat me to it and shouted,

"HUMP DAAAAAAAAAAY!"

with much gusto. Which pretty much made my day.

Suffering from so much this past week. Please make it go away already. I can't take it any longer.

Unspoken but understood.

Short and concise way to describe most "talks" with my parents.

You're planning ahead for me so much and I'm thankful; I really am,
but I'm so overwhelmed by the thought of the future already;
I can't bring myself to live now.

New period song: Bleeding Out - Imagine Dragons

Bet you'll never hear this song the same way again. xD

Emily, your roommate has hacked into your account. I just want you to know,

I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
^___________________________^


Sincerely,
your forever always roomie,
Wendy Carnitas

BLESS THY SOUL CHILD.

I don't think I will ever get tired of listening to Boys Like Girls. <3

MKTO

Thank you.

Limbo

I'm walking aimlessly.

I'm too tired or don't have time to start the engine.

My goals are either too small to have any long-term value or too large to be achievable.

Yes, I'm definitely having a case of the Mondays.

Burritos unite.

Now that I know what "fiction" is (wow, I actually learned from my class assignments?!),

I can say that my writing is not really fiction, but not really nonfiction either.

It's kind of an inbetweenie. It's a thing.

Google: "define thing"

My biggest struggle right now is constantly seeking approval.

I feel like all my actions have one common goal: attaining someone's approval.
& I don't know who.
Maybe it's everybody, but is that such a bad thing?
Is it "bad" if those people are my idols, my role models?

I've been so unsure of my actions and "inactions" lately, especially when I find myself not busy doing something. I start thinking and overthinking and soon enough, these mini panic attacks / mid-life (hopefully not) crises overwhelm me until the point where I am incapable of doing anything else but becoming a burrito.

Burritos unite.

Emotional state: I think I'm PMS-ing so I'm incredibly mopey right now. It's a monthly depression.

I don't have a religion, but that doesn't mean that I don't believe in anything.

I believe that people's beliefs are a way for them to cope with life, a direction for the lost.
I believe in light at the end of every tunnel.
I believe in peace, love, and happiness.
I believe in the Oxford comma.
I believe in second chances.
I believe in people.

I believe that everybody needs something or someone to believe in.

glow in the dark stars

I think glow in the dark stars are special. They absorb and store light in the daytime, hiding in plain sight, obvious but oblivious to the human eye, then illuminate the darkness--light up our nights when we need them the most. They're like the friends that were always there for you but you never realized how important they were until they helped you through your darkest days.

I'm thankful for my glow in the dark stars. <3

I just noticed that the display on the clock app moves. Magical.

Imagine if all the apps were little windows and people jumped from one app to the next, just constantly traveling and keeping themselves busy. Would you watch their lives unfold before your eyes? Or would you simply ignore it and resume your life on your phone?

"All of us are gentle, violent; logical, schmaltzy; tough, squeamish; lusty, prudish; sloppy, meticulous; energetic, apathetic; manic, depressive."
-Writing Fiction

It's in our nature to be contradictory. It's okay to constantly be in conflict with yourself. It's what makes you human. (:

"First drafts are about discovery, not mastery, just l like the beginning of any good relationship." 
- Anna Joy Springer

I'll keep that in mind.

Everyone tells a story with how they look.

What story do I tell you?

I guess that's why I like to dress-up so much. Every day presents me a new opportunity to tell a story without having to speak at all.

Too bad most days, I'm a lazy college student. (:

Hopelessly wandering

The chemistry's there; the timing isn't.
The passion's there; the potential isn't.

Sometimes passion isn't good enough and that's life for ya.

Glasses

You could say that by the beginning of middle school, I was pretty much blind without my glasses.

Throughout middle school, I refused to wear my glasses unless necessary--necessary being to see the board in front of the classroom, to watch tv, to read signs a couple of feet from me. But I took them off the rest of the time. Instead of conveniently keeping them on from one class to another, I took them off.

No, before you suggest it, I wasn't ashamed of wearing glasses. I didn't care if people called me "four-eyes," not that anybody dared; as the tallest girl since elementary school, I'd just step on them. Like Linda taught me. But looks weren't the reason why.

& for some reason, this intrigued people. I told them it was because everything was prettier this way. Which was true for me at that time. All that I saw was through a soft focus, everything blurred, "bokeh"...

In retrospect, I think the little me thought it would shield her. From the ugly in this world. The evil. My refusal to wear my glasses on an everyday basis ensured my safety of not being hurt. Emotionally, more than physically because I remember running into a lot of things because of this. It was my decision to stay ignorant and soon enough, I realized it protected me from nothing. It only put me at fault more when I couldn't see things right in front of my nose. (Heh..heh... get it?) Anywho, soon enough, I realized what a detriment I was being to myself and finally accepted reality. Full of blemishes and uneven pavements and scratches and scars.

Mais c'est la vie et maintenant, je vois.

One of the reasons why I love words...

"No internet is better than slow internet."

Do you read this as:

1) There is no such internet that can be better than slow internet because slow internet is the best.

or

2) Being devoid of internet is better than having slow internet. (Maybe a better investment of time is to be doing something else rather than to sit in front of a screen and wait for a site to load and frustrate yourself and curse at nonexistent users and pull your hair out. Maybe.)

?

This doesn't happen quite often but when the opportunity presents itself, I find words to be extremely manipulative. You can read this in two, perhaps more, different ways. If I had said it aloud, the experience of of hearing the words would have been different. I would have raised the pitch of my voice and emphasized the "no internet" part, leading you to automatically assume the first option. But if I had enunciated the "slow internet" more, maybe you would have heard the second option. A reader reads in his own voice and who you are shapes what you perceive as a reader.

I wish I could describe this to you more eloquently as a writer. In due time.

Do I have to be slumped in a puddle of tears for you to be here for me?

I think the heat's getting to us--all of us.

Please give me the tolerance I need in times like this.

Bucket list:
Become a member of or at the very least, participate in an event at PIRCH.

"What do you do?"
Wouldn't it just be absolutely lovely to say:
"I am a member of The Blissery. I spread joy for a living."

Currently repeating

"lookin like that make a gentleman stare"

I RUV MY FAMILY SO MUCH. <3

Easter

is my favorite holiday.

Made Derk hide eggs and hunted with Jessica and Wendy. ): missing Cindy, but lovely nonetheless. <3

Nothing really makes my day like seeing my mom respond with a "<3" or my dad telling me my hair looks good. I hope they know how happy they make me.

I can never tell you thank you enough.

NTC didn't give me my points!!! RAGE.

Bucket list: Visit / live in / create a SCADpad.

Too bad their open tour dates are during this quarter.

Favorite do-anything song:
"Shake It" - Metro Station

(:

So over the summer, I want to throw a tea party. An all-out, floral, face-painted, Taylor Swift tea party.

Someone please get me honey spoons and a can of 313 tea for me, please. <3 thank you.

"It's not you, it's me."

Don't pick at scabs.

Just leave it alone and trust that Time will heal all wounds.

What is up with all these apocalyptic nightmares lately?

I just saw a woodpecker at school!!! <3

It's the little things... (:

Disappointment.

Girls

are so complicated.

Sorry, fellas.

Upon my awakening, the skies had cleared and the sun was shining through the window.

I mistook this for a sign of hope.

As I sat at my desk studying for the few hours left I have, I watched as the weather had transitioned back to its state of gloom. The sun was gone. It began sprinkling.

As I walked out the door, it began raining.

Halfway there, it started pouring.

By the time I reached the front door, my school had flooded and I was drenched, even under my umbrella.

So were the others.

I felt like it was Mother Nature's way of saying good luck.

That song still reminds me of you. (:

#100happyday challenge

"Then you would have 100 pictures of just me. *smiles*"

Touche.

Valentine's Day

I've been wanting flowers a lot recently and Cindy bought me (us?) flowers from the farmer's market after our weekly lunch date.

Chocolate: well, I was already proposed to by a chocolatier. Can't get better than that. LOL

& for today: no date, no worry. Worked out instead. Finished a Nike session. (: #proud

"We put shampoo in our pig."

It seems that in the past, there were large parts of your identity you were forced to leave behind when you traveled, and in the absence of those things, not only did other people forget you, but you forgot yourself. And rather than being a entirely negative thing, maybe this had the effect of softening that identity, of making you define yourself less from the books you'd read or the connections you'd had with others. Maybe one of the side effects of travel, and for some the main objective, was and still is to peel back some of those layers of identity, so that you can see that the whole notion isn't built on anything solid or fixed to begin with. And maybe if you see your identity as less fixed, then you're more open to change, to reinvention, more open to the world as it crashes down on the shore at your feet.

-Jack Cheng

Cynical Idealist

I always think people have ulterior motives. I think so much that I come to convince myself I know. I know people are evil. But I don't blame them. I believe everybody was born a clean slate and sometimes those slates just get damaged. They face problems I couldn't possibly understand and so I don't put those people at fault. Instead, I see the beauty in them. I think everybody has something that makes them wonderful. I just gotta discover it if it's not so visible.

So I'm cynical... To an extent.

But I'm also a target of cynicism.

I'm one of the people whose actions cynics think are for the purpose of ulterior motives. And sometimes, they're right. But more often than not, I do things because it's the right thing to do. Because it's the thing I feel should be done. Because I want to inspire people to be their best. I believe in morals. I believe that everybody should be the best person that they can be.

That's something I can proudly say I've never questioned.

Some may say I'm impractical and some may say I'm foolish. I know what they're thinking. Don't get me wrong;  I know there's bad people out there. I simply believe they have the potential to be good. 

Too many fairytales, I know. <3

Who's to say you're not?

Sometimes I think so much that I start to believe myself.
& that's not necessarily a bad thing, say, if I'm thinking positive thoughts.
But at times, more than some, those thoughts are negative.
Then I feed myself positive thoughts again to drive away the negative thoughts,
but it's too late.
I'm already thinking those negative thoughts.
& I go in so many circles, feeding on positivity, thinking about negativity, spreading more positivity...

I forget who I am.

Maybe I'm a filter.
Maybe we all are.

Champagne bubbles are the best candy ever.

Alliteration

"Shh..." she said,
silencing secrets.
Slithering steady,
straight past her enemies,
she stares stone-faced
at the prize at the finish line.

Hearing all these stories about all these people, I'm still waiting for mine to come.

"I flew out of a car and spent so much time in the hospital; I knew I wanted to become a doctor."

"I borrowed a book from the library, went into the interview, and got the job."

"I can't see myself doing anything else but this."

"The money."

"I bought a drunk man a beer and turns out he was a plastic surgeon. He offered me a shadowing position."

But I've been waiting so long... Maybe it wasn't meant to be?

Okay, I'm really loving this Jon McLaughlin guy.

So close and still so far...

You're in my arms, and all the world is calm.
The music playing on for only two.
So close, together.
And when I'm with you
So close, to feeling alive.

A life goes by,
Romantic dreams must die.
So I bid my goodbye
And never knew.
So close, was waiting,
Waiting here with you.
And now, forever, I know
All that I wanted
to hold you so close.

So close to reaching
That famous happy end.
Almost believing
This one's not pretend.
And now you're beside me,
And look how far we've come.
So far we are. So close...

Oh how could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?

We're so close to reaching
that famous happy end,
And almost believing,
this one's not pretend.
Let's go on dreaming
for we know we are...
so close, so close
and still so far...

Just finished Nike Training Club's Conditioning Corps workout.

I am now sweaty and dead on the cool leather couch, thinking about how absolutely unfit I am, but I am very proud of myself for setting a goal and completing it! (: #beaming

"Emily, I regret that my first impression was a damnable shyness. But you appear in my dreams when I am asleep and in my mind when I am awake. If you accept this first profession, let us fly away on the wings of love."

 Either Danica, Fiona, Jaime, Cynthia, or Vivian Vu wrote this sticky note and it's been on my desktop for ages and I still have no idea who it is. Or somebody else. Aw rats. Well, whomever it is, thanks for being an admirer... A kinda creepy admirer. But nice flow of English. Not bad for somebody from Brown's class. <3

"The art of life is the art of avoiding pain." -Thomas Jefferson

"Our last names go first because family is very important to us. Vietnamese people value family dearly." -Co Son

I really do miss my Viet school family.

2014

12.31.13
I conquered "Glutney" with the help of Jessica and Butthead (and the thought of pancakes).
New year, no overeating...?

New Year's Resolutions

• Wake up before 10AM everyday even though you have nothing planned. Don't worry; you'll find something to do. There is ALWAYS something to do.
• Exercise.
• Drink more water.
• Sleep earlier.
• Seek help when necessary. Seriously. Do not let pride get in the way. PRIDE WILL BECOME YOUR HAMARTIA... like Oedipus. Drats.
• Read a little everyday.
• Write a little everyday.
• Write more. As in, update this blog more often.
• PRIORITIZE YOUR TIME WISELY. (I always hated it when my dad says this because he ALWAYS says it and then I hear myself telling this to other people and I realize that I have become my dad, or rather, he's a part of me. Innately. It's in my blood. Anywho, it's true. I kinda poop at getting things done in my life. So I should really finish what I start. Really. At least try harder anyway.)
• Stop stressing. Really, you tell everybody else to breathe when you've been holding your own breath for so long. Breathe. In and out. You can do it!
• To be continued...

P.S. Did I have a list last year?

P.P.S. Oh well, I can't remember. Stupid memory.

P.P.P.S. Thanks, 2013. You've been good to me. (: <3

my favorite quote from Frozen <3

"The heart is not so easily changed, but the head can be persuaded." - Grand Pabbie

New Year Mantra

Let's keep it simple, shall we?

Life is good. (:

My father formed a flashlight fetish. <3

first fortune of 2014