Rainy Day

Woke up and it was raining. Was not happy.

Had to prepare for morning presentation. Not happy.

Got scolded by advisor cause didn't read in depth as other peers. Sad.

Didn't get to play scrabble even though I really wanted to. Very sad.

Then I watched the breakfast club.

Then I had long talks in bed with jess.

Then we ate pho.

Then we ate Hershey dunkers on a park bench at night.

Then we played KENNY (which is like The Penis Game) but Kenny ignored us like he usually does.

Then Dubsmash.

You could say the day took a turn for the better. ❤ 

10 YEARS FROM NOW, MICHELLE WILL HAVE A CHILD. WE BET ON IT. IF I LOSE, SHE CAN HAVE MY FIRST CHILD.

Acceptance

Sometimes, people do very wrong things, but they don't think it's wrong because wrong is relative and wrong to you may not be wrong to them. You are not them and they are not you and I've been having a lot of trouble dealing with that lately.

People are who they are and you can't ask them to change for you because if you loved them, you'd just accept them, right? (I feel like I've been through this problem before but I can never figure out why.) But if they loved you, they'd at least try to be more considerate of you, right ? Or is that asking for too much?

I've been going through a lot of these internal struggles lately and I still can't figure out what the answer is.

It’s like you lure me into your cave.

This cave of comfort, security, and safety.

But it’s also Confinement.

Internal confinement.

It’s not that I can’t leave.

It's that I don’t want to anymore.

It hurts to leave.

It hurts to stay.

It hurts more to leave.

You set up this trap to let me trust you.

Then in times of trouble, you put me out as the scapegoat.

You sacrifice my happiness for yours.

I don't even think you realize what you're doing to me

which is what makes it so innocent.

So sad.

You're oblivious to your own wrongdoings

and I'm here to help

but I don't know how anymore.

Should I even help?

I love you too much to expose you to the truth

because the truth hurts

and I can't let you bear that kind of pain.

So I try to

but I can't anymore.

I'm tired and weak.

You've broken me over and over again

until broken seems almost normal now.

I've become immune.

Callous, even.

Broken is normal now.

Emotions

I had a nightmare, really. We were on a cruise ship and my dad cheated on us with another woman. I say us, because it really should affect my mom, but really, I feel like it hurt me more. In the dream, my mom was indifferent, didn't really care--the way I said I would be had anything like this happened because logically, your love couldn't satisfy him so he found another source of love. It's only fair, right? 

I don't really know anymore. I just remember being unbelievably angry. Like, imagine me spewing out expletives every other second at him and throwing things to physically hurt him for what he's done and doing everything I possible can to disown him. And the whole time, it was like he didn't regret his actions at all. He was still happy with her and I hated him for it. I could have killed him and he would still be smiling. Every single thing I did to him should have hurt him but he didn't seem like he was hurting. He was just kind of transparent; the pain just went through him and back to me, like a boomerang. And every time it came back, it multiplied my hate for him. I hated him so much that it still hurts, even though it's only a dream. (I have a slight problem separating my emotions from my dreams and reality. It's a really bad habit.)

Fun Hangover

Friday
Originally, we were supposed to go somewhere and play games and make noise and cause the ruckus that usually gets us in trouble with the authorities, but nobody on this side of campus was really feeling it, so the plan kinda dissipated. I laid down out of boredom and ended up taking a really long nap because my body was actually really tired. Woke up and Tobey and Jessica finally finished doing what they do, so we went out to eat with Derek. Up2You, then back home to play more board games and the night ended up spontaneously fun with great company. <3

Saturday
Woke up at 2 and that's all I really remember. There was also the part where Jessica made risotto and crepes. We (Jessica, Tobey, and I) also talked a lot about stuff. Like, real stuff. I really enjoyed that moment--stuffing our faces while talking openly and honestly. 'Twas spontaneously nice. <3

Sunday
Went to the Summer Kickoff event at Waterfront Park. Turns out, it's more geared towards children... Good thing I was with children, LOL. Mother henned the three boys and Jessica as they frolicked and played with oversized Legos and slid down inflatable slides. Got each other wet, climbed on jungle gyms, attempted to play volleyball (we all need help very much with this sport; spent the majority of the time chasing the ball around). Then off to Tacos El G for some very authentic(?) tacos? The stares and murmurs started to matter less as the food was devoured. As we were driving back, someone spotted Chuck E. Cheese and we veered into the lot. Spent a little bit of time there, then off to Costco for last-minute ticket-buying so that we could watch Avengers at AMC. Wing Stop was the last stop for the day, but seemed like the best, as I cannot get the image of David and Jung jumping and screaming because of that one huge cockroach by our feet. Today was nothing short of complete spontaneity and it was absolutely amazing. <3

Although I've been instilled to plan all events of my life, I've noticed a similarity in my weekend of joy: spontaneity. I've learned to value such memories very much so.

Self-Trust

Lately, I've been having trouble trusting myself physically--in the sense that I don't feel hungry anymore but my body actually needs food for energy, so I end up feeling extremely weak and not know why. Not sure if this is a biochemical defect or an evolved way of thinking, but it's got me realizing that I can no longer trust myself with such issues. Which makes me question whether I can trust myself at all.

My Outfit & Me

So today, I went to InterVarsity with Wendy and that's a whole subject for conversation itself but anyway, there was a speaker there talking about the future and he talked about how all of our thoughts and decisions--even in the most trivial cases, like what I wore today--are shaped by the people surrounding you. This is how I examined my outfit:

Starting from the bottom:

• I wore my combat booties because I knew today was going to be a long day and it would involve a lot of walking, so I wore my most comfortable and versatile shoes.
• I wore my leggings and jeans because I knew today was going to be a cold day and I would be freezing, so I wanted extra insulation for my body.
• I wore my long-sleeved Element shirt because yesterday was Earth Day and I didn't really celebrate, so... happy belated Earth Day?
• I wore my beige knit cardigan because that's my go-to comfy sweater and I needed something comfy if I was going to be taking my 103B midterm.
• I wore my paracord bracelet because I'm trying to make it a daily habit just for the sake of routine. Plus, I hoped it would have brought me luck because I was feeling extremely unready for my midterm. Plus plus, it brightened up my extraordinarily bland outfit.

Most of what I wore was for sensible reasons, taking into consideration the weather and the duration of my day and such. But I also wore stuff on a whim, like for the sake of spirit and happiness.

In conclusion, I would say the way I pick my outfit and who I am are very similar: logical but with its quirks?

Anywho, this isn't my best piece of writing, but I wanted to log this before I forget and if I go back and read this over, I know I'm gonna sound silly and not want to post this, but I think this is important to me, especially since I just had an identity crisis. I want to remember who I was because it affects who I am and who I want to be.

& I'm rambling... G'night. <3

P.S. The Moral Bucket List. YES.

I've been meaning to say this for a while now but Club Med's radio music--whether it be traditional African music or iHeartRadio's cafe playlist--is always on point. 👌 They always seem to know what kind of mood I'm feeling. Sometimes, I stay there just for the music. 

Kaitlyn's Jargon

"How abouts it really is good?" instead of "What if it really is good?"

<3

I'm not very people-tolerant. -.-

I like people with ambition. I like that they have goals, dreams, their own ways with life. I like their perspective and their obsessions. I like connoisseurs. 

I've been having overdue realizations that lately I've been shying away from eye contact and I'm not sure why. 

It's things like me deciding to organize my time wisely and starting homework early, then my program crashing and me having to redo everything all over again. & whenever I do it last minute, everything turns out perfectly fine. It's things like this that make me lose faith in the system.

Hi, my name is Emily and "I don't know where you're going, but do you got room for one more troubled soul?"

Hi, I'm Emily and I like wearing my bracelet as an anklet because I don't like accessories on my hands or arms. I feel like they're too fussy and keep me from being my most efficient during work. 

P.S. My bracelet also has a bell so I jingle everywhere I go... Like a cat.

Meow.

I love it when artists uses the panning effect in their songs.
It confuses me so much.

BIBC102

So last quarter was pretty hellish and I blamed it on the fact that the classes I were taking were too rigorous and I just didn't have time. But I could always make time? But they were really difficult and too much to handle all in one quarter. But was it because I just couldn't handle it? That I wasn't good enough?

These were questions that I constantly battled. My dad's always instilled this mentality in me that if I wanted it badly enough, I could do it. "When there's a will, there's a way." Basically all these really positive mottos and slogans. He was my mental cheerleader. And that mentality was a great thing to have... when I was on top.

But when you fall, you begin to wonder how it happened. One thought leads to the next and inevitably, you begin to question yourself. You're the number one suspect. You let it happen. You have failed yourself and others around you. You are guilty.

These thoughts were vultures, circling me throughout my college years, waiting to swoop in and pick off my carcass when I was most vulnerable.

And I endured the pain.

(I actually diagnosed myself with depression for a moment there, but that's another story.)

I told myself that it could only get better from here and I continued on, with that same mentality--that I was a superhero and as long as I tried hard enough, things will be better.

But I was wrong. Things got worse. I'm not a superhero. I failed--and not in the melodramatic way either, but I actually, really failed a class. It gets worse: I actually thought I would have gone out with an A in that class. Hilarious, no?

After some crying, lots of thinking, and a "mourning" period, I picked myself up. I was going to redeem myself and retake the class. I was going to take on 20 units and do other stuff and be proud and happy about it. I was going to organize my time so wisely, I would be jealous of myself.

Then this morning, I found out that I didn't need to take the class. That starting from now on, that class was no longer required for my major. The class that I had failed last quarter. The class whose grade would permanently ruin my permanent record didn't matter anymore. Oh, did I mention today is also the last day to drop any classes? (Shoutout to the advising committee.)

So, I have two choices: to drop that dreaded class and move on with my life and make the most of everything OR to stay in the class and try to redeem myself and replace my fail grade with a less fail grade. And there are so many factors that I have to consider with each option--so many variables that come into play in this unfortunate equation.

And I still don't know what my answer is.
I'm wandering and I feel like I'm just getting more and more lost.

Life's just kinda been throwing me around--it gives me hope and strings me along for the ride and then just completely crushes me--repeating this cycle over and over and for what? To test my strength? It's really hard to keep your eyes on the prize when you don't even know what's at the end of the tunnel.

I just really wanted it to work out. For something academic-related to work out for once in my life. But all attempts have been futile... and I'm still lost.

Actually, I'm on the bed, singing TSwizzle songs. Because, y'know... TSwift solves everything.

Winter Job Fair 2015

• EMD Millipore: R&D is looking for someone with lots of lab experience. If you don't have any and miraculously still get an interview, you gotta super WOW them. Or else, no.
• Onefinestay: Really nice design and concept. PIRCH-related? I really like it but it has nothing to do with my major--of course.
• Pharmatek: Typical btech company.
• Meridus Health Comm: Interesting because not lab-oriented, but marketing side? Like CRB--a third-party that communicates with the btech companies and streamlines them. All about efficiency and such. I like but they're looking for either a Ph.D. to read and translate hardcore papers OR more on the sales side. I am neither. -.-
• Dart NeuroScience: Cool because Extreme Memory Tournament sounds cool and it's related to Alzheimer's research but on a more science level. Unfortunately, even though it's labelled a BTECH company, it's not looking for any straight BTECH kids--only chem side or tech side. Unfortunately, no inbetweenies.

Proud of myself for putting myself out there even though I still felt weird, but much better than I had imagined it would be. Uncle Mark's advice helped.

There is no such other joy as comparable as laughing with my parents.

Really, it can't be duplicated. It brings tears to my eyes and cramps to my stomach like no other. And it's so easy. Something so simple can make us laugh for way too long. 

I've really missed it.

I think everyone needs this kind of happiness in their lives.

I'm not asking for much--just one genuine laugh per day.

Life is like trying to keep your skin moisturized.
Life is like exercising.
Life is like school.

Miss a day or two and it's like all the hard work you did in the beginning is gone. Ultimately, you did nothing. You're back on Day One and you gotta work your way to the top again.

Which (on pessimistic days) get you thinking like, "Why even bother doing all these things in the first place anyway?"

Once you start something and keep at it, it becomes routine. Routine rarely gets recognition, but once you stop or fall or fail, that gets remembered forever.

Aye, I'm arguing with myself again. It's just a matter of perspective and right now, I guess I'm not feeling so positive.