"All the leaves on the giving tree have fallen..."

Clarity

I think the first time I met you was when Jessica and I ran into Michael at Jamba Juice and we started talking about what a coincidence we were both there at the same time. He said he just finished watching a movie with his friends whom he then introduced us to. I thought WonJae was you but you were the one who lost his wallet in the theatre instead. It was the beginning of the school year. I didn't think I'd ever see you again or anybody else that I met during those first few weeks anyway. Little did I know...

My next memory of you would have to be when I started to realize you were the owner of that cute bike from math class. The pink bike with all the stickers. RIP <3 I finally caught you outside of class and said hi. I remember you being slightly offended but amused when I complimented you on your oh-so cute bike.

One day, you just popped up at my place and I was really surprised because I just got out of the shower and wasn't expecting company. You said your apartment mates were smoking or something and you didn't want to be there so you had nowhere else to go. What a lost puppy. (: I told you I was going to Jessica's in a bit and you said you'd go over there to hang out with Stephanie too, so we just walked together. You didn't really hang out with Stephanie; I don't think she was home. You stayed in the living room on the couch and I remember sitting on you because you were so tired you just planked on the couch. I also petted you. I didn't really look into how especially physical I was with you but everybody else did. I remember I was trying to prove Jessica wrong that a friend who just happened to be a boy asking me to hang out at the mall and have dinner with him was not a date, so I asked you, y'know, since you were a boy and well, I guess that was the first real conversation we ever had--if I had just went on my first date or not. You gave me your honest opinion and I remember how I thoroughly enjoyed hearing you speak.

I think I woke up the next day and was alerted by Jessica that Victoria told her that you rhetorically asked, "Wouldn't it be cool if Emily liked me?" or something of the sort. I didn't really read much into it but Jessica pressed me to decide if I really liked you or not, because if I did, I should take a chance on you but if I didn't, I should stop toying with you. I never really decided because I knew myself and I knew I would lose interest once I found out you liked me. So, I forced myself into denial--denial that you liked me and denial that I liked you. Master of Denial, Oxnard? I never admitted it until after I said goodbye. Talk about timing, much?

Anywho, I remember Hullabaloo, how I introduced you to Alvin and their little group so you could make some "friends" but Hullabaloo didn't turn out so amazing so Jessica and I decided to ditch and somehow, you came with us to ERC to play Foosball. You and Jessica versus me and you still couldn't beat lil 'ol me. Hehe, I remember having lots of fun with y'all.

I think we started studying together when Stephanie texted Jessica asking if you could come over to study for 20C. Alvin, Derek, and Kip were already there so it couldn't hurt if you came. You took forever to come though so I messaged you on Facebook, asking you when you'd come. That's when the Facebook conversation started. I don't know how long it was before you finally asked for my number (you told me you were trying to think of a really clever way of asking for my number) but you just did it one day and that's when the text messages started.

You were the first one I visited the Fallen Star with.

" the first one I watched the sunset with.

" the first one to ever hold my hand.

I remember talking to you was really fun because you were such a strange specimen and you were so confident in your stories and opinions. I was always really happy when I talked to you and I'd stay up just a little longer each night to talk to you. 

I remember the naps.

I remember the sweater you lent me that one night.

I remember lots actually.

Remember that one time I was napping on you and you put your arm around me? I was so happy that after you left, I ran downstairs and rejoiced with the first person I saw. In retrospect, I guess I knew pretty early on that I liked you.

Then that fateful day when everything happened... I still remember it--too vividly at that. But I remember that night, I cried myself to sleep--that was a first. I remember reaching for the phone to type out a text to you, then realizing that I wasn't supposed to, then erasing it, then rewriting it and wanting to send it, but stopping myself from hitting the 'Send' button, and repeating this process a thousand times.

After a while, I found out some things about you and I got real angry because I felt cheated and lied to and all these negative feelings, but in the end, I still believe you were and are a good person--just misunderstood. Some people called me foolish but whatever, to each his own. It was hard at first, defending you against all those who see the bad in you, taking the role of the antagonist, fighting against myself.

& throughout this entire period, I felt like I didn't deserve to miss you because I chose to walk away and I shouldn't miss you because they told me how you weren't worth missing, but there are times when I really miss you, just never enough to put everyone through what happened again.

I still have your number.
I still have that note you wrote me when I napped on your leg.
I still have all the conversations and pictures and memories.

I guess there was always this small part of me hoping for something to happen, but I'm ready to let it go. I can't say I like you anymore because I don't know who you are anymore. I mean, I haven't spoken to you in what feels like ages. You're nothing but a memory now, just like the rest of them. I held onto you for so long and it's finally clear to me that you won't ever come back into my life again. We both deserve better and with all this out of my system, I hope to achieve clarity. I'm sorry but "I'm too relieved to grieve." Haha, Frozen <3

& with this, I've deleted your note from my phone, your messages, your number...
When the clock strikes midnight on the 31st, happy birthday, Lu! (:

P.S. Funny how I didn't run into you once this quarter... kind of.

Wendy's take on our school system

It's like, "Can you torture us please? I'll pay you $30,000 a year!"

"Let Yourself Forget."

How do you like it?

It makes me so happy. (:

So I was on my way to the market to grab a latte and I saw you coming my way. So many thoughts were running through my mind and I didn't know what to do so I just stopped walking and froze in the middle of the pathway.

Turns out it wasn't you.
I don't know if I was relieved or disappointed. Maybe both.

Sometimes I tell people my problems, not because I want them to help me solve them, but because I want to see how they would handle the situation. Most of the time, when I ask you, I already figured it out myself--what I plan on doing. I ask for your opinions because I want to know you (more).

I don't remember how many times I've listened to Demi Lovato's "Catch Me" but every time I listen, I hear something different. I catch things I didn't catch the previous times. And I follow that sound. I isolate the rest of the song and think about what it sounds like by itself. Just random twangs and strums. But if those sounds weren't there, the song wouldn't be complete. It wouldn't be the same. It'd probably still sound good without the minor background percussion and whatnot, but the artist chose to add those sounds. Of all those sounds that exist out there, the artist picked that specific sound. Why? It got me thinking about music production and in a way, it shed light on something I'd never thought of before.

It's interesting sometimes to focus on something you've never paid attention to before.

I tell you stories not because I want to brag about the so-called fascinations of my life, but because I think you're worth sharing myself with. Because all my quirks and adventures, my tales and wonders--they're what makes me who I am. I want to share what makes me happy, excited, even sad with you because I want you to know what makes me feel that way and why. I want you to know me.

Leave it to Demi Lovato to make me feel better.

I can make the rain stop if I wanna,
Just by my attitude.
I can take my laptop, record a snapshot, and change a point-of-view.


I go where life takes me, but some days it makes me wanna change my direction.
Sometimes it gets lonely, but I know that it's only, a matter of my perception.

I just entered this brand new world, and I'm so open-hearted.
I know I got a long way to go but I'm-I'm just getting started.
I'm over my head and I know it, I know it.
I'm doing my best not to show it, to show it.
Whatever it takes to be what I was meant to be, I'm gonna try.
'Cause I'm living the dream and I know it, I know it.
I'm trying my best not to blow it, to blow it.
& I know everything will be fine with me, myself, and time.


And baby, there's nothing like this moment.
To just be real and let the truth be spoken.
Whatever's broke I can make it unbroken.
Turn the lead in my head into something golden.
If I just try more love.
If I just try more love.
Then I'll find myself in time.

My first time with coffee.

I like it. /:

"It's goin down,

Shades of grey--"

WHATTHEFUDGE?!

FADETOBLACK, JESSICA.

FADE. TO. BLACK.

In ASL class today, we were grouped in pairs to practice signing directions. One person says she "needs" an object or item of some sort and the other tells her where she can find it.

After going through the vocabulary list, my partner came up with: "I need a bear," to which I replied, "Over there. In the trees." I asked her what other vocabulary words did we learn for me to pretend "needing" and she signed, "Baby?"

I quickly replied, "No thank you," thought for a bit, then jokingly signed, "I need a man."

It took her a couple seconds to understand, but then laughed and quickly signed, "Same, me too." I asked her where I could find one and she raised her eyebrows and pointed to the guys in the class and I said, "No thank you." She nodded in agreement and we spent the rest of the time laughing at our foolishness.

LOL, today was fun. (:

Omg, Club Med is playing "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" <333

Pause

"What are you struggling with the most in your life right now?"
^ Imagine if you were just sitting outside of a restaurant and suddenly someone approached you with this question. Unexpected, much? I thought Jack Cheng handled it pretty well though.

Initially, my answer was self-identity. Who I was, who I want to be, who I am. Then I thought harder and realized right now my biggest struggle is getting my priorities straight. I know what my priorities are but like how saying and doing are two completely different things, carrying out my priorities is a different story. I'd like to say I'm doing better this quarter, but still not good enough. (LOL, & here I am blogging. Haha, nah, blogging is not on my list of priorities at the moment; I just needed to talk. 'Cause y'know, sometimes... that's all you really need to do. Talk.)

But as Na used to say, "Got a problem? Solve it."

How? Workin' on that. Motivation and inspiration.

On a side note, I've asked several different people this question and each one had their very own unique answer. I guess, to me, it's just nice sometimes to be given an opportunity to reflect on your life because I feel like we're all so rushed in our everyday lives that each day reduces to nothing but a blur and everything is just so mechanic and robotic. It's nice to just enjoy the now. Figure out who you've become. Appreciate all you've been through. Prepare for the future. Don't overthink; just reflect for a bit like I am now while writing this blog. (:

You make my heart hurt.

& I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

My favorite part of "Slow Down": when Dev comes on and says, "I-I-It's the Cataracs..." <333

The Recovery Period

Take for example the end of a relationship or the death of a life. You know the pain is coming. You know how you are going to react. You can preview the whole scenario.

And you can prepare yourself for the worst, literally, but you can't fast forward past the storm. You know it's approaching and you wait in angst and you tell yourself it's going to be okay, but you have to endure the entire process. Logically, I thought, I know I'm going to be sad but I'll live--everything will be alright again , so why not just skip to that part? I want to say it's part of being human--feeling all the negative emotions, suffering first then appreciating later, but why can't I just appreciate now? I tried a couple times--reconciling immediately after a fight. I know it's going to be okay later, so why can't we just get past now? Just talk it out. The sooner we fix things, the sooner we can go back to the way things were. But it never works out for me in reality.

There's always this period. When you just want to sit at home by yourself with a tub of ice cream. When you don't want to go out or move, for that matter, from your bed or wherever you feel most comforted. When you can't help but ask yourself why--why did this have to happen, why couldn't it have been better, why is life being so unkind to you--when you know there's nothing you can do to change the past. It's like mourning (though I may be wrong since I've never mourned before so excuse my ignorance if I have used this term incorrectly).

I'm not sure how to end this post (even after Oxnard's wise suggestions, i.e. "the awkward place" <3 Jk, he was actually really helpful) but I guess that's the beauty of it. I want this post, like the recovery period, to end and I know it will somehow--I just don't know when. It's awaiting an ending and I suppose... so am I.

Voicemail Question #1

If you could enter a fictional world, which one would it be and why?

Based on impulse, I immediately thought of Harry Potter but then shied away by the thought of millions of other fans jumping to the exact same response. However, I must not let my hipster-like radar push away a potential answer. Harry Potter and the wizarding world is amazing... from my imagination. I've always loved magic and the like. I would get to play Quidditch, drink butterbeer, visit the Weasley's joke shop (okay, not the same as the one in Orlando, Florida--it's never the same as your imagination <3), most of all, meet all the characters! Oh geez, fangirl coming out. Let's consider other options.

Again, cliche, but The Hunger Games. I understand it's not the best world to live in, but I'd love to see the environment, how our planet's changed from the places to the people. Again, not the same as the movie. I loved the author's depiction of the social setting--the juxtaposition between the filthy rich and the desperate poor, the separation of specifically trained districts. (I think this is the only book where I actually enjoyed the references to government issues.) & the arena. I don't like violence or gore but I'd love to be a bystander there, just watching everybody. Maybe the adventurist in me wishes to take part in the battle too, but most likely, I'll be the first one dead. That's not fun.

Then there's all those romance books like Sarah Dessen and Nicholas Sparks but if I had one chance to visit any fictional world, I wouldn't waste it on living out my perfect romance in some sappy chick flick novel. Pass.

OH OH OH! I've got it! (Thank you, Memory!) My favorite book of all time is "A Wrinkle in Time" by Madeleine L'Engle. Unfortunately, I've forgotten what it's about and why I loved it so much but I remember it being full of adventure and and and... I shall reread it. (I WILL REREAD IT. MARK MY WORD.) Dang... if I choose this one, it'll be unjustified because I've forgotten all my reasons.

Then there's Oz and Wonderland. The vivid quality of the imagery itself makes me want to visit these places. Let alone, there are talking mystical creatures everywhere.

This is actually a really hard question, but I'm going to go with the simplest of them all: Neverland. Because I never have to grow up there. My only job is to have fun. And I can wear all the animal onesies I want.

FIN (for now)

the summer after high school

They say the summer after high school is the summer to test relationships.
Who are they to have a say in my life?
But they have a point.

I've never been one to keep up with friends, family, etc. I try... sometimes. As inconsiderate as that sounds, most times, if they don't make an effort to stay in my life, then they choose not to be anymore. I don't know if this applies to just me or everybody, but those people that I've lost touch with--I remember you. I remember our inside jokes, our laughs, our encounters. I remember lots about you, but when I reach for the phone to text you ( nobody calls these days... (; ) your number isn't there. Oh, that's right. I also have a very anal habit where I delete contacts from my phone. But even if you're still there, how would the conversation go?

"Hi, I haven't talked to you in forever! How's life?"
...
How would you answer that? "Life" is a very broad topic to explain.

Most times, people respond with a "Good!" or "Not bad!" but that doesn't say much either. Usually, that's as deep as the conversation goes. Then you realize you don't really know anything about this person anymore. There's no connection. You remember the old them. Who are they now? The person whom you tried to contact is but a shadow. Is this person important enough to you that you meet this new identity in an attempt to summon back the old memory?

I know for certain some people are.
& some are just lost with my memory.

On a side note, or not, I remember a friend in high school. We had a lots of mutual friends and a few classes in common. Upon discovery that we would not have the same class the next year, we made a pact to write each other notes and give them to each other whenever possible. We kept this up daily at first. Then slowly, the notes came... weekly. Then monthly. Then not at all. At first, it was "studying" and "I forgot" but then it just became excuses and soon enough, we realized our connection wasn't there anymore. We didn't have much in common and we weren't going to force the friendship. So now we're acquaintances. We still saw each other, still share the same mutual friends, but we never talked anymore because there wasn't anything to talk about. Our plans after school, our promises to each other--just words.

So, I guess, if you're still in my life today, you must be pretty important to me.
Consider that an accomplishment? xD

Cold Feet

I've been delaying "the talk" for so long.

Partially because I feel we don't need to set up a time and date to talk.
But mostly because I'm afraid.

I'm afraid we'll talk about my future and I won't know where I'm going or what I'm doing anymore. I'm afraid of deciding... making the wrong decision... regretting. I'm afraid that I'll realize that you weren't as lenient as I thought and that you've been telling me what to do this entire time and without you, I'll be nothing. I'm afraid of so many possibilities I've been trying to avoid.

If I were to give myself advice, I'd tell myself to just do it. Or better yet, make it count. I'd face my fears for there is nothing to fear but fear itself. I'd do the right thing because I can only imagine now but when the time comes, I'll know. Better to make mistakes than have regrets?

HI OXNARD

Hehe, I tried to compose a very thoughtful message for you on here, Oxnard, but every draft was never good enough. Just imagine a flawlessly orchestrated slew of words expressing how I'm thankful silences aren't awkward between us. I'm thankful that I can talk about anything and everything with you. & I'm just thankful for you.

I really want you to know that you are one of the most edumacational, knowledgeable, intellectual people I have ever met. <3

P.S. Stay awesome.

These Days

I do not believe anybody has ever given me a book before and I was never happier to receive a book than when Oxnard surprised me on our last Weinerschnitzel adventure.

Just now, I finished the book. As unsatisfied as I was with the ending, (Oh, you shouldn't continue reading this if you plan on reading the actual book. Spoiler alert?) I can't help but accept things the way they are. Not because the author made it that way but because I understand? To say "I understand" is unsuitable. (Ooh, thesaurus.com updated its layout. Modern. User-friendly.) Naturally, hopeless romantic me wanted K and Connor to be together--happy ending, whoop dee doo, the whole shebang--and I was frustrated at first but then I realized that things don't always work out like in fairytales. (The author does a very good job of not giving away the ending either. Most endings are extremely predictable. I really had no idea how this one was going to turn out though.) K and Connor were in love and I still don't understand why K disappeared the way she did (not that I've given it much thought; I'm still trying to process things) but Connor helped K move on from her past--he became a tree ring in her life--and K inspired Connor to create the future--she became his muse. They helped solve each other and each played an important role in the other's life but they just weren't meant to be. They were too different? Still trying to figure that out.

It was a very thinky book though. Sigh, of all the words in the English dictionary, and I choose "thinky." It was a very relevant book, you could say? Haha, after all, it's called "These Days."

There's a lot more I'd like to say about this, but I can't really organize my thoughts right now. Maybe another day. LOL, knowing me, that's kinda never. Ask me about it.

P.S. I'm very tempted to change my voicemail now though. If only people left more voicemails. "/ I really do want to hear your answers.

P.P.S. This post was supposed to be organized and whatnot but now it's become just a jumble of words. But I like it like this. Once I refine it, it won't be the same. Sure, it may be devoid of typos and other sorts of grammatical errors, but this way, you can see my thought process, hear me think aloud, understand my priorities...

Anywho, g'night! (:

FLED's 1st Cranium WOW games

• "twins boho chic"
  MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN!
  *insert Danica's O.O face here*
• "PILATES" has ONE a.
• Ostrich is also not spelled "Ostritch"
• We should celebrate all FLED days til gloaming <3.
• The Prius is named after the Latin word "before."
• Add a skosh of salt every time you cook.
• A mullet is not the same thing as a mallet.
• "Too much tongue" should definitely be an answer for a "make-out mistake."
• Fiona's prairie dogs... BEST ARTWORK OF THE YEAR. & I still gotchu. (;

<3 my sisterhood, forever and always.

This morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. I was disappointed, in you, in her--actually, she doesn't really matter 'cause I've been disappointed in her for a while now and nothing much has changed since then. However, you--you mean the world to me and knowing that this happened--sigh, I guess you didn't technically lie to me but it hurt. You just didn't tell me where you were, but who am I to keep tabs on you. I found out through Facebook. It's not like you'd be doing anything better at home, I guess. Mixed feelings still.

Then I told my best friend and she made me feel all better again. & I got out of bed. & I started my day.

See, real life isn't like the movies. People rarely find out the good things you've done for them. But even so, you shouldn't quit trying. Sure, you're going to get hurt and your pain's not going to make much sense to a lot of people but never stop because you love them. & love is sacrifice. Haha, that's my definition anyway.

Haha, you're kind of sick and twisted but beautiful in your own way, like John Mayer.

You're a tortured soul.

& this is the best thing that could've happened
Any longer and I wouldn't have made it
It's not a war, no, it's not a rapture
I'm just a person, but you can't take it
The same tricks that, that once fooled me
They won't get you anywhere
I'm not the same kid from your memory
Well, now I can fend for myself
Don't wanna hear your sad songs
I don't wanna feel your pain
When you swear it's all my fault
'Cause you know we're not the same.

I guess it's just the cycle of life, growing up and allathat, but I really hate all these revelations. It confuses me how you used to take me out to places, to do things and now you want me to do the same for your kids so you can get drunk and have an excuse to forget life's worries. But I'm not done being a kid yet. I'm still a kid. I'm still going places and doings things, just not with you anymore. So did you do all those things for me because you loved me or because you knew that one day, I would feel obliged to return the favor? Because right now, it seems as if you're using me and I don't like being used. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt but I don't like being taken advantage of. I'm sorry to everyone I have ever made feel this way because I hate this feeling.

I hope you know I do everything because I actually love you, not because I expect something in return. When I make time for you, it's because you're important to me. Please don't push me because then you'll just lose me.

I don't even remember where I was going with this but it made sense in the shower... Mini rant/rage over! Anywho, g'night & let's hope tmrw's a better day! <3

Hehehe, kinda excited for the "City of Bones: Mortal Instruments" soundtrack! <3 Well, this is a first.

When I was in middle school, my dad used to help me with any math questions I couldn't understand. No, I didn't use Google back then like I do now. I wrote down the number on a sticky note and he would come home from work late at night and help me no matter how tired he was. As I grew older, problems became harder and I became more independent. I depended on myself and I guess my dad's been feeling frustrated because all this time, he's been watching me helpless--a feeling I knew too well.

Out of curiosity, I just asked him now about physics and he went into full explanation mode, reliving his days as my math tutor and walked back inside happier than usual, which made me extremely happy as well.

Dear Daddy, I'll always be your little girl. I love you forever and ever to the moon and back. <3

Today while I was driving, my car made beeping sounds--the one that alerts me to put on my seat belt--but my seat belt was on, so I thought my car was just whack. Then, I got on the freeway and even though I rolled up all my windows, I could hear the wind really violently. Hehe, turns out, when I shut the door after putting my backpack in the back, my lanyard got caught so my back door didn't really close properly. Anywho, I figured it was a short ride back and it was a minor problem (I looked back every now and then. My door was still closed... just, y'know, it could swing open if i made a sharp turn. ANYWHO...) so I just kept driving. I got to the end of the ramp where there was always traffic and I had to completely brake for a couple seconds. I figured, why not close my door while it's safe? So while still holding onto the wheel, I stretched my arm back to open and re-close the door and I guess the guy driving next to me saw and just kinda smiled/smirked at me and I could feel my face turning red cause he was kinda cute (like a younger version of Nathan Adrian?).

If this were a movie, I'd totally run into him again.
Too bad this ain't and I completely hid behind my hair to avoid eye contact with him the entire way through.

Hearing my dad try to be a matchmaker is kind of hilarious. xD

LOL, most socially awkward man I know,
but I love him to death. <3

Take a chance and risk making a mistake, rather than regret for the rest of your life.

mistakes > regrets?

As I was talking to my mother, I realized...
I follow the same principles for baking as I do with writing essays. I can make something look good, but not necessarily taste good. I nitpick at grammatical and spelling errors, but when it comes down to it, my writing lacks substance. I cannot explicate as well as I decorate.

Unfortunately, that's who I've always been, but I'm improving at least.
Or so I'd like to think. (:

You don't carry my head, okay? You carry daddy's head. I don't have a good head.

^I love my mom. She makes perfect sense. <3

Shat

Lab absolutely didn't work and Professor was completely clueless and nobody knows what's wrong with our oscilloscope, so Nikita goes, "I know what's wrong. Hell just shat on us. That's right; it shat on us."

I haven't laughed that hard in what seems like forever.

Maybe it's just the system. Maybe it's their actual incompetence. Either way, I am feeling an extremely strong hatred towards doctors.

For some dang reason, I always have experiences where I go in, obviously because I couldn't handle my symptoms at home, and get sent home with nothin but a recap of my symptoms, a large bill, and facts I could have found on Google. I know I should be thankful that nothing's physically wrong with me, but really? That's the best you got to help me feel better? I really am skeptic of your compassion. Is it that you really care for me and want to help cute me? Or is it to win over my heart so I can help pay your bills?

Maybe that's one of the reasons why I wanted to become a doctor so badly. So I could prove to myself that there are doctors who care about their patients and not their patients' money.

Sigh, mini rant over. My poor baby is still suffering and after waiting 2 hours, he's sent home exactly the way he came. I finished watching "Warm Bodies" in the waiting room and still no results. I don't know if you walk away happy thinking you just made easy money or if you're sad that you didn't help him at all but make him feel more uncomfortable by probing him?

F... I'm ranting again. G'night, or should I say, good morning. Ugh. #helplessness

Part 2 of this morning's dream

The dream transitioned to me and Michelle and Jodie and Jessica making macarons at some really fancy, nice school, then we went across campus to make some more, but chocolate ones this time in another classroom but then the bell rang for class so we packed up and were about to go when we remembered that we didn't take the macarons out of the oven yet from the other room! So me and Jodie ran back, but halfway, I realized I forgot my backpack so I went back for it and told Jodie to just keep going because her knee hurt but she insisted in not leaving me and I was really thankful for her. We ran back, got my backpack, and the dream ended.

Meeko just got fixed and he's the saddest dog ever right now and I'm the saddest dog owner ever right now. ):

Took Meeko to the medical center.

Worked out with my parents.

Went grocery shopping.

Had lunch with my aunt and her family.

Washed three cars inside-out.

Picked up my lil pooper.

And the day isn't even over yet...

Oh, the things you do when you get up at 6 in the morn. (:

I sometimes wonder if you know I love you as much as I do.

"All night long, baby slow down the song..." (;

Guilty pleasure as my homework jam. <3

"Look at you, worrying so much about things you can't change. You'll spend your whole life singing the blues if you keep thinking that way... Don't you see the starlight? Don't you dream impossible things?"

<3 Thanks for the uplifting, Lindalove.

I don't study enough.
I study too much.
I don't know how to study.

I'm trying really hard to not think about the fact that I'm not good enough for you.

It's really hard to stay strong when you keep thinking of me as weak.
Just like how it's really hard to keep standing up when you know you're going to be pushed down even harder.

Is it all in my mind--all this negativity?

I can't remember the last time I've ever done anything for myself.
Maybe it's the memory issue... maybe it's actually been a really long time.

Stupid girl hormones.

"Sad Serenade" - Selena Gomez

Happier times,
flash through my mind
We both say its over, 
and I believe it this time 
All the pain that I hide,
let it play through the night

I wont regret what I wont forget
Memories and your number,
are all I have left

I wish you the best, I really do,
even though I know that I'm still not over you
I know that we both are to blame
I can't believe, you didn't fight harder for me

The more you love, the more it hurts,
when it ends, when it's over
All that's left are the memories,
playing over, and over

In your head, and in your heart
Turn it up, make it stop
Tonight, all over the world,
the most beautiful song ever heard

Is a sad, sad serenade
Sad serenade, we almost got it right
A sad, sad serenade
Sad serenade, for every broken heart tonight

All the love that we made
Turn it up, let it play

I'm sorry you're helpless. I'm sorry I am. I'm sorry we all are.
"When there's a will, there's a way" but it'll be too late by the time we find a way.
I'm sorry we're at their mercy.
I can't do much--in fact, I can't do anything in this circumstance,
but I hope you know that I'm here for you. <3

Please keep on fighting.
You're the one promise I remember and the one I plan on fulfilling.
Please wait for me.

Who has a best friend that bought her The Counter for lunch?

I DO. <333

Too thankful for her in my life. <3

So I just got into CHEM7L and I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad, but right now, it's kind of a negative feeling. See, I should be happy because I finally got this class that I NEED and has extremely long waitlists with almost no chance of getting in, but I didn't want to get it so that I could continue taking physics with the decent professor whose name sounds like a Pokemon. Why not both? I don't think I can handle it with Ochem and Math stacked on top. Even if I drop ASL, that's 4 core classes that each require a lot of time. Poops. Oh, school.

Then Tua Cu was talking to me and told me to relax. Of all things, that's the best way to study. & I told him that I could never relax. That I was always worried. He told me to be confident. But I never am. That's not me. No matter how hard I've studied, there's always more I could have done. & I love all of you who have such faith in me but I can't see it. Realistically, I don't have faith in myself. I try to; I really do. But it's hard to relax. Especially when you feel like you're carrying the weight of your world on your shoulders. See and I can't even begin to think of myself because there's so many people out there more unfortunate, dealing with so much more problems and troubles that I can't even begin to imagine. So my life? It's really nothing compared to them.

Aye, I hate this. I hate going in circles, arguing with myself. I never get anywhere.
& I don't like talking to people because I feel like I'm whining and throwing myself a pity party.
So I blog. Herro there.
Maybe I'll look back one day and laugh about how silly I was. Okay, optimism.
I'm going to force myself to push the "Publish" button before I Ctrl+A and press delete again.

& ready, set, go.

Can I interview you?

Sure! *waits for questions*

... *questions never come*

*K is scribbling stuff down in her notebook.*

"So... Any questions?"

T: "She doesn't need to ask any. She already knows all about you."

Easiest interview ever.

Serious road rage issues. ):

"Because you fed him bananas, his thingy stuck up today."

(:

"I'm embracing my flat chest because I don't have any breasts. It's quite fashionable these days. I've learned to embrace the 12-year old boy look."

-Jade from Little Mix

I didn't think I would cry...

Guess I proved myself wrong again.

Noi a Noi... Noi dung bi gi nhe. Pa rat thuong va thuong nho den Noi va gia dinh o nha. Pa khong noi nhung ma con biet. Noi con nho con co hua voi Noi la con se ve lam com chien cho Noi an khong? Noi khoe lai di con moi ve lam cho Noi an duoc. <3

New goal: finish what you start.

I might have a tiny problem with finishing what I started.

Oh boy, this would explain so much. x_O"
Esp. why this blog rarely ever gets updated. Don't get me wrong. I really do think about blogging and I blog it in my head... but I never get around to actually physically typing it out and then I forget it. Kinda like a dream. Poops.

ANYWHO...

Hi there.
I just wanted to let you know that
no matter what people say
no matter how many times I've thought about it
no matter how confusing this gets
each and every time
I don't think I've ever regretted you
because you made me smile
and you were a first
and people don't forget their firsts. (:

Mais c'est la fin.
Et c'est la vie comme d'habitude.

Keep calm and carry on. *deuces*

LOL, HI DER JULINA <333

At this point, I don't really know how to feel anymore.
I've tried
and tried
and tried harder,
but in the end, I always come up short.

I just want to be happy about it for once.

Frustrated.

Frisson is back. (:

^LOL, I think when I first met you, I felt something so I made an automatic reminder to myself to tell you by the end of the year. Now that I see this, it's kind of funny how things turned out, eh?

Dear Emily,
No matter what happens, know that I will be there for you.
                                                   <3 p="" truly="" yours="">

Well don't I feel played.

Whatever. Screw you. Oh wait, she already is.

Smartworks is going to have me cursing at it any second now.

Past midnight talks with roommates (& Jessica)

"I feel like that's racism..."

"No, honey, it's REALISM."

Chin Up Kid - Forever The Sickest Kids

Chin up.

Press on.

You will survive.

"We are dogs in love with our own vomit."

^I've spent God-knows-how-many hours reading these abstract articles for CAT and I come across this. Like, what the fuh?

Terrible Things <3

"So don't fall in love,

There's just too much to lose."

Looking back,
you were worth it. (:
You taught me and I learned a lot, surprisingly enough.
Thanks for everything!

Every now and then I have these moments where I'm just so fed up with everybody and everything. Sure, you can blame it on my period because I'm a girl and that's what happens every month but sometimes, it's just because there's too much to handle at once. See, a small thing ticks me off and then little by little, I remember every single little thing possible that's wrong with my life and because my mind actually thinks pretty fast when it wants to, in a couple of minutes, I'd have crashed and burned. If somebody were to tell me all this, I'd tell them to take a breather and relax. I'd tell myself to calm down and just stop thinking for a while. It's like I'm constantly carrying all this weight on my shoulders... But if I let go, people will get hurt.

Blah, not making much sense anymore... If I made any sense to start with.

Sometimes it just feels good to sit out in the cold. Eventually, you feel nothing. You become numb. Callous.

The Human Factor

Because software like SMARTWORKS is extremely unintelligent.

Rant rant rant.

Back to reality.

Chem...

Physics...

Brain juices.

#bioE

Mini dream?

This Chinese lady was being anal about the lining of her nuclear bombing tunnel which she was building right outside of my dorm. I woke up and saw that Sukhpreet had left a message for me on her desk that she carved saying they left to the mall or something and it was signed "Mami Sukhpreet." ♥ Standing in the doorway was my dad who I was ecstatic to see come surprise me. He asked me if I was ready and go and I was confused only to find a whole bunch of my family and friends at my doorway holding out different ingredients for me. I think Dylan had like 10 cloves of garlic. The rest held like packages of ramen, onion, etc. They were saying goodbye to me. But I was so confused. I wasn't done with finals yet; I still had a few more weeks to go. My dad forced me to go and I asked him if he wanted to take the scenic route out. He told me to show him all the "trees" in the forest from the Stuart Collection. We detoured and stopped at Starbucks where I ran into Neesha who was eating this really soft Roti Bun-like thing--like, it was the hybrid of a snickerdoodle and a bun, which was what I told her and then she laughed. Except it was so good, I ate it all. So I bought her another one.

The end. No time to analyze. Peace.

See, only during times like this do I think of him. /:

Meh.

"Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me."

I refuse to be a fool.

They say you're a freak when we're having fun
Say you must be high when we're spreading love
But we're just living life and we never stop
We got the world.

Icona Pop was actually amazing live. ♥

Feeling cruddy about myself.

Merp.

Stop thinking? /:

To the future me, I'm sorry.

Lately I've  been extremely mad at myself and this is not healthy. Just now, I realized that I forgot to submit, let alone, WRITE, my microwriting and it was even postponed for us. I should have studied harder for that physics quiz. I should not have taken that nap. I should not have taken pictures. I should not have thought and done stupid things while there were still assignments for me to do and notes for me to study. I was supposed to study really hard so that I'd have time for Julina when she came. What happened--I really don't know, but I really hate myself right now. I regret not maintaining my focus. I am disappointed in myself and there's nothing I can do about it but work harder now.

I just hope it's not too late.

What my tummy looks like right now...

Chem Confucius

"Just because you're unstable doesn't mean you decay as fast."

^I don't think Professor Hoeger intended for it to have meaning aside from chemistry context, but I felt it applied in real life too.

Just because I get relapses every now and then doesn't mean I break down easily. (: #staystrong

OMG, Arlene is too cute.

"FREE PIZZA AT 8PM IN THE DOGGHOUSE. AND BE ENTERED INTO A RAFFLE TO WIN A FREE TV!"

"... What's the catch?"

"... Theremaybesomeeducationalcomponent."

My RA, ladies and gentlemen. <3

Identity Crisis?

Dear Blogger,
Today we did an activity in CAT discussion to help describe our identity and define the categories in conjunction with our body. Of the seven categories, we were to order them from least to most influential and here's how I ordered mine.

• Political affiliation: N/A
  Because I've never cared and nothing's made me care about it yet. What happens happens. I know, poor model citizen.
• Religious affiliation: Agnostic
  Because, again, it doesn't matter to me. Fate.
• Race: Asian
  Because race doesn't really define who I am, but others are quick to judge me for it because of my physical appearances.
• Other (Zodiac Sign): Aries
  Because I like how sometimes fate describes me so well, but then again, doesn't. I would know, I used to write horoscopes in middle school. x_O"
• Gender: Female
  Because I am treated how I am because of it. I like it and I don't. It's complicated.
• Nationality: American
  Because I'm loud and proud to have been born here.
• Ethnicity: Vietnamese
  Because it really defines who I am. (As of this moment anyway, because we're constantly changing, yeah?)

In retrospect, I was kinda sorta really vague about everything. Hehe... xD But hey, at least I finally blogged about something somewhat significant? (:

So... I can't stop watching videos of sea otters. I wish I was a sea otter...

Man, I forgot most of it because Jessica woke me up to go to physics. But I really wanted the dream to continue so I tried going back to sleep. Transferred to a different dream though. ):

I was doing something and I saw Alex Tran outside and he looked like he really needed a hug so I have him one and he wouldn't let go. It seemed like he was really sad about something but when he finally let go, guess who was standing in front of me? JLU. It was like the Christine moment. Like, I stood there staring at her for the longest time and when it finally ht me that Jodie Lu was here in SD with me, I was spazzing out beyond belief and I have her the biggest hug ever. Then Jessica woke me up and I realized I was actually hugging her. LOL, like, squeeze-suffocating hug.

Sigh, tried to go back to find JLU, but was put in some other crazy dream instead. Something I can't remember... Hm, it was very adventurous though. /:

Yeah... Right! Ain't nobody going to get chu that! - Jessica

I know what I want for my next birthday...
A motorcycle/fast&furious driving arcade game machine.

UOSB

So... Na shared this on Facebook and oddly enough, I actually clicked on it and I'm extremely glad I did because it was incredibly inspiring and whatnot.

Madame introduced spoken word to us in French last year but I never appreciated it until now. I guess, maybe because what Suli Breaks talks about is so relevant... He talks about things that I know and have witnessed, but things that I've tried so hard to avoid my entire life--things that make reality what it is.

Throughout these past few weeks, I've been doubting myself, my ability, my future--what am I doing with life? & I don't like to talk about this because it scares me and everybody seems to assume that I've got everything figured out because that's who I make myself to be. But in actuality, I lack balance and I feel as if I'm extremely unstable than those who openly admit they're unstable. Because at least those people have the courage to admit it. Well, the first step to conquering your problem is admitting you have one, right? Haha...

Well, as of right now (because I'm always changing, but never really that much), I want myself to remember why Suli Breaks's words had such an effect on me--ironically, in an opposite effect, I think. I don't have a dream. I want to help others build theirs. Because I think that's what my role in life is--to help others. & it makes me happy to do so too. So... yeah. Inconclusive, but still, I'm heading somewhere. (:

Thankful

Thanks for everything, Jessica. I know I can be a baby sometimes so thanks for nursing me and whatnot. (: You da best.

#becauseyousaidnobodysaysthesethingsinreallfelasttimeitriedtosaysomethingmeaningfulsoimpostingithere
^Have fun deciphering that.

Somebody invent a "Ctrl+F" for my handwritten notes, please.

Take a lap, Emily.

So frustrated with myself.
How could I make such stupid mistakes?!
I can't even articulate my feelings accurately because there's just so much UGH!
WHY.
For some reason, every minute I feel a different emotion and it's like I'm hormonal but I'm not! I was happy then sad then happy then sad... Now I'm just plain angry. I thought I was better than this.

RANTRANTRANT
Maybe it's all this unfinished business.
Maybe it's all this helplessness.
Maybe my period came early.
(Yeah, hopefully that last one...)

Progress?

They said, based off experience, it'd take approximately one and a half months until I get over it. Yay... Only one more month to go. /:

I. CAN. DO. THIS.
#stopthinking

"I'm a lightweight /:

Better be careful what you say.
With every word, I'm blown away.
...
Easy to fall, easy to break.
With every move, my whole world shakes.
Keep from falling apart.
...
Handle with care, please."

Forgive

not because they deserve your forgiveness,
but because you deserve peace. (:

Just keep swimming...

The Long Run

I just really need someone to tell me this.

#anchor

Keep my feet on the ground
But don't weigh me down.

Darn these Chinese sappy dramas

Even though fate doesn't allow us to be together, I'm not gonna let you forget me.
At least, not until I forget you.

*knocks on head*
"Got that?" (:

Cause sometimes life's just a little unfair.

I never meant to break Rule #2.

"So I can see how badly this will hurt me when I say goodbye..."

I honestly didn't think it would have hurt this much.
I think this is the first time I've cried myself to sleep.

But anywho, I didn't really have a reason to be so skeptic before...
Now I do.
I'll be more careful from now on.

I'm sorry.

I'm not worth it...(?)

So I thought about it.
And thought about it again.
And thought about it s'more.

I guess I was just scared to know the answer. I didn't want it to be positive or negative. I wanted the impossible.

I didn't know what I wanted, but now I do.
I want you to grow a pair and say it. Just do it. Make it count.

Because even if I run, you won't lose me. He didn't anyway.
You might.

Hey Jude

Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.

Remember to let her into your heart.
/:

"Mama told me not to waste my life..."

 Their individual voices put together.
The clapping.
The melody.
The message.

♥

"I like big butts and I cannot lie... Them brothers can't deny..."

Me: "...what."

"You are the only exception... XD"

WOWWWWWW.

Fun fact

"I hear your heart beat to the beat of the drums..."

Hehe, I love it when instruments play at the exact moment the lyrics mention them. (:

Professor Thorpe ended his academic essay with a quote. Everything I have ever learned has been a lie.

What is this. x_O"

To This Day

Thanks, Oxnard. I usually never watch anything people repost, but you always find the most amazing things. (: The animations are really beautiful and it's quite terrifying how meaningful the message is.

Abstract nerd rant

Our relationship is like a chemical reaction. You're the reactants and I, the products. & I'm trying really hard to reach equilibrium, but you just keep on adding more reactants...

Hopefully, Chatelier knows what he's talking about. /:

(This is what I get for studying chem last night. x_O")

Professor Chien's Response

Thank you for your message. I am pleased that my presentation last week inspired you [...]. Yes, I did stress the importance of passion in one's career path. Passion is the result of interaction between our innate love and external occurrence. I don't know how I found my passion, but it developed as I was exposed to different subjects. Some times it is easy, natural; for others it may take trial and error, or even happenstance. In a way it is similar to finding someone you love. There is a Chinese poem that says : "I was looking for him/her (Chinese language has no gender) among the crowds hundreds and thousands of times. As I turn my head, I suddenly see him/her right there under the dim street lights." Looking for passion in career is somewhat like this. You keep your mind and thoughts open, and the right one will click. [...]

So. Much. Respect.
♥

What college kids do...

BUNNIES ♥

Something I haven't gotten bored of or lost yet--ORANGE <3 br=""> I actually finished a pen! Cross off the #bucketlist!

Best Partner-in-Crime EVER

I fall asleep in class
& I get rewarded with this:

Undone

"I'm sorry, I'm really a mess right now.
I'm trying my best to get it together somehow."

Jessica's procrastinating

Emily should learn not to be signed into these things 24/7 because Jessica has access to them when she's bored. Soo... She's bored and doesn't want to do her essay. Hi world! I need a distraction! #random

Ratchet songs with Cindy <3

Rack city chick, rack rack city chick.

THEY SEE ME ROLLIN, THEY HATIN. PATROLLING, TRYINA CATCH ME RIDIN DIRTY.
^I've sang that more than 10 times today. x_O"
...

• Don't overthink.
• Butthead's "Faith, trust, and pixie dust."
• You don't have to prove yourself to anybody but yourself.
• "I've got a world of chances for you."
• Run more. Work more. Do more. Play less.
• Priorities.
• "& you know it's never simple, never easy... breathe."

I'm running in so many different directions.

My T.A.'s sex life

Engaging in a discussion about sexuality in the novel we're currently reading...
Wendy: " I remember my bio teacher telling us how sex was the sperm fertilizing the egg--"

T.A.: "Well in that case, I'm still a virgin!"

Me: x_O"
Whole class: LOLOLOL

Then one of the girls goes, "Specifically, what kind of people DO porn?"
Me: "... *writes on Wendy's paper* WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?!"

Monday dinner

For some reason, ran into SO MANY PEOPLE coincidentally.

@ Foodworx:

• Derek & Alvin, etc.
• Lu & co.
• Michael & others
• Daniel & friends

@ Canyon Vista:

• Thomas, guy with the cool shoes
• Tim
• Alex

Okay... I feel like I'm forgetting people.. x_O"

BUT IT WAS SO COOL!!! :D

Just do it?

Nahhh,

MAKE IT COUNT.

Fun Fact (:

I really like songs with claps and snaps and whistles... basically, random sounds in them.

Today,  I passed by a guy that looked familiar, but I don't know where from... So I kept staring at him and he kept staring back and I walked past him, realized why he looked familiar, PUT MYSELF IN REVERSE (like a car x_O"), stood in front of him, pointed to him, and said,

"YOU'RE THE GUY WITH THE COOL SHOES!"

He laughed, said thanks, and I explained to him that I saw him last week (?) and talked to him a while about his shoes at Club Med. He still had no clue what I was, but I walked away, feeling all happy that I wouldn't regret later on not talking to him. (:

#takeachance #noregrets

@ Oxnard: #justdoit

"I wanna see your body rock." (;

Sigh, Chrissy Costanza, girl crush.

TGIF? Not even.
Dreading the workload, but c'est la vie.

3 midterms? BRING IT.

Catching up with Oxnard <3 p="">
Even though we're miles apart, we still got each other.

Panda: 2.5
Oxnard: 0
^MUAHAHAHAH.

Life lesson: Just do it. (:

Because Valentine's Day is coming up...

A: Who do you like and Why? 
B: Have you ever been in love? If yes, how many times, and how do you know it was love? 
C: Longest relationship you've ever been in, and why did it end? 
D: Have you ever changed for someone, if yes, how? 
E: Pretend I'm you ex, what do you want to say to me? 
F: Have you ever been cheated on? 
G: Have you ever cheated? 
H: Would you date someone who's know for cheating, if yes why? 
I: What's the most important part of a relationship? 
J: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? 
K: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on "breaks"? 
L: How many people have you ever hooked up with? 
M: What's one thing you regret saying or not saying, doing or not doing in a previous relationship? 
N: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex? 
O: Do you believe in the phrase, "Age is just a number?" Why or why not? 
P: What about "Love at first sight"? Why or why not? 
Q: Turn on's? 
R: Turn off's? 
S: What do you consider a deal breaker? 
T: How do you know it's time to end a relationship? 
U: Are you currently in a relationship? If yes, for how long? If no, how long have you been single? 
V: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? 
W: Do you think people should date their friends? 
X: How many relationships have you had? 
Y: Do you think love can last forever? 
Z: Do you believe love can conquer all things? 
1: Would you break up with someone your parents didn't approve of? 
2: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? 
3: Do you think long distance relationships can work? Why or why not? 
4: What do you notice first about another person? 
5: Do gay, lesbians, bisexuals or transgender people bother you?

Y'know those Tumblr posts people do? Well, here's one I stole from my twin (we were separated at birth).

Just shoot me a text or message or call with the letter or number and I'll answer you. Honestly.
People always ask me to tell them about things but I never know where to start, so here goes.
Ask me a question; I'll give you an answer. & if you're still not satisfied, well, at least we're talking. (:

& because only A HANDFUL of people know of my blog's existence, I guess no harm could come from this. Haha, I love you all anyway so I'm not gonna hide anything. <3 p="p">

You make me smile every time I think about you.
You make me laugh every time I'm around you.
You give me butterflies and shivers run down my spine.

I'm sorry that I'm in denial. I just don't want to get hurt again.