Take for example the end of a relationship or the death of a life. You know the pain is coming. You know how you are going to react. You can preview the whole scenario.
And you can prepare yourself for the worst, literally, but you can't fast forward past the storm. You know it's approaching and you wait in angst and you tell yourself it's going to be okay, but you have to endure the entire process. Logically, I thought, I know I'm going to be sad but I'll live--everything will be alright again , so why not just skip to that part? I want to say it's part of being human--feeling all the negative emotions, suffering first then appreciating later, but why can't I just appreciate now? I tried a couple times--reconciling immediately after a fight. I know it's going to be okay later, so why can't we just get past now? Just talk it out. The sooner we fix things, the sooner we can go back to the way things were. But it never works out for me in reality.
There's always this period. When you just want to sit at home by yourself with a tub of ice cream. When you don't want to go out or move, for that matter, from your bed or wherever you feel most comforted. When you can't help but ask yourself why--why did this have to happen, why couldn't it have been better, why is life being so unkind to you--when you know there's nothing you can do to change the past. It's like mourning (though I may be wrong since I've never mourned before so excuse my ignorance if I have used this term incorrectly).
I'm not sure how to end this post (even after Oxnard's wise suggestions, i.e. "the awkward place" <3 Jk, he was actually really helpful) but I guess that's the beauty of it. I want this post, like the recovery period, to end and I know it will somehow--I just don't know when. It's awaiting an ending and I suppose... so am I.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Voicemail Question #1
If you could enter a fictional world, which one would it be and why?
Based on impulse, I immediately thought of Harry Potter but then shied away by the thought of millions of other fans jumping to the exact same response. However, I must not let my hipster-like radar push away a potential answer. Harry Potter and the wizarding world is amazing... from my imagination. I've always loved magic and the like. I would get to play Quidditch, drink butterbeer, visit the Weasley's joke shop (okay, not the same as the one in Orlando, Florida--it's never the same as your imagination <3), most of all, meet all the characters! Oh geez, fangirl coming out. Let's consider other options.
Again, cliche, but The Hunger Games. I understand it's not the best world to live in, but I'd love to see the environment, how our planet's changed from the places to the people. Again, not the same as the movie. I loved the author's depiction of the social setting--the juxtaposition between the filthy rich and the desperate poor, the separation of specifically trained districts. (I think this is the only book where I actually enjoyed the references to government issues.) & the arena. I don't like violence or gore but I'd love to be a bystander there, just watching everybody. Maybe the adventurist in me wishes to take part in the battle too, but most likely, I'll be the first one dead. That's not fun.
Then there's all those romance books like Sarah Dessen and Nicholas Sparks but if I had one chance to visit any fictional world, I wouldn't waste it on living out my perfect romance in some sappy chick flick novel. Pass.
OH OH OH! I've got it! (Thank you, Memory!) My favorite book of all time is "A Wrinkle in Time" by Madeleine L'Engle. Unfortunately, I've forgotten what it's about and why I loved it so much but I remember it being full of adventure and and and... I shall reread it. (I WILL REREAD IT. MARK MY WORD.) Dang... if I choose this one, it'll be unjustified because I've forgotten all my reasons.
Then there's Oz and Wonderland. The vivid quality of the imagery itself makes me want to visit these places. Let alone, there are talking mystical creatures everywhere.
This is actually a really hard question, but I'm going to go with the simplest of them all: Neverland. Because I never have to grow up there. My only job is to have fun. And I can wear all the animal onesies I want.
FIN (for now)
Thursday, September 5, 2013
the summer after high school
They say the summer after high school is the summer to test relationships.
Who are they to have a say in my life?
But they have a point.
I've never been one to keep up with friends, family, etc. I try... sometimes. As inconsiderate as that sounds, most times, if they don't make an effort to stay in my life, then they choose not to be anymore. I don't know if this applies to just me or everybody, but those people that I've lost touch with--I remember you. I remember our inside jokes, our laughs, our encounters. I remember lots about you, but when I reach for the phone to text you ( nobody calls these days... (; ) your number isn't there. Oh, that's right. I also have a very anal habit where I delete contacts from my phone. But even if you're still there, how would the conversation go?
"Hi, I haven't talked to you in forever! How's life?"
...
How would you answer that? "Life" is a very broad topic to explain.
Most times, people respond with a "Good!" or "Not bad!" but that doesn't say much either. Usually, that's as deep as the conversation goes. Then you realize you don't really know anything about this person anymore. There's no connection. You remember the old them. Who are they now? The person whom you tried to contact is but a shadow. Is this person important enough to you that you meet this new identity in an attempt to summon back the old memory?
I know for certain some people are.
& some are just lost with my memory.
On a side note, or not, I remember a friend in high school. We had a lots of mutual friends and a few classes in common. Upon discovery that we would not have the same class the next year, we made a pact to write each other notes and give them to each other whenever possible. We kept this up daily at first. Then slowly, the notes came... weekly. Then monthly. Then not at all. At first, it was "studying" and "I forgot" but then it just became excuses and soon enough, we realized our connection wasn't there anymore. We didn't have much in common and we weren't going to force the friendship. So now we're acquaintances. We still saw each other, still share the same mutual friends, but we never talked anymore because there wasn't anything to talk about. Our plans after school, our promises to each other--just words.
So, I guess, if you're still in my life today, you must be pretty important to me.
Consider that an accomplishment? xD
Who are they to have a say in my life?
But they have a point.
I've never been one to keep up with friends, family, etc. I try... sometimes. As inconsiderate as that sounds, most times, if they don't make an effort to stay in my life, then they choose not to be anymore. I don't know if this applies to just me or everybody, but those people that I've lost touch with--I remember you. I remember our inside jokes, our laughs, our encounters. I remember lots about you, but when I reach for the phone to text you ( nobody calls these days... (; ) your number isn't there. Oh, that's right. I also have a very anal habit where I delete contacts from my phone. But even if you're still there, how would the conversation go?
"Hi, I haven't talked to you in forever! How's life?"
...
How would you answer that? "Life" is a very broad topic to explain.
Most times, people respond with a "Good!" or "Not bad!" but that doesn't say much either. Usually, that's as deep as the conversation goes. Then you realize you don't really know anything about this person anymore. There's no connection. You remember the old them. Who are they now? The person whom you tried to contact is but a shadow. Is this person important enough to you that you meet this new identity in an attempt to summon back the old memory?
I know for certain some people are.
& some are just lost with my memory.
On a side note, or not, I remember a friend in high school. We had a lots of mutual friends and a few classes in common. Upon discovery that we would not have the same class the next year, we made a pact to write each other notes and give them to each other whenever possible. We kept this up daily at first. Then slowly, the notes came... weekly. Then monthly. Then not at all. At first, it was "studying" and "I forgot" but then it just became excuses and soon enough, we realized our connection wasn't there anymore. We didn't have much in common and we weren't going to force the friendship. So now we're acquaintances. We still saw each other, still share the same mutual friends, but we never talked anymore because there wasn't anything to talk about. Our plans after school, our promises to each other--just words.
So, I guess, if you're still in my life today, you must be pretty important to me.
Consider that an accomplishment? xD
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Cold Feet
I've been delaying "the talk" for so long.
Partially because I feel we don't need to set up a time and date to talk.
But mostly because I'm afraid.
I'm afraid we'll talk about my future and I won't know where I'm going or what I'm doing anymore. I'm afraid of deciding... making the wrong decision... regretting. I'm afraid that I'll realize that you weren't as lenient as I thought and that you've been telling me what to do this entire time and without you, I'll be nothing. I'm afraid of so many possibilities I've been trying to avoid.
If I were to give myself advice, I'd tell myself to just do it. Or better yet, make it count. I'd face my fears for there is nothing to fear but fear itself. I'd do the right thing because I can only imagine now but when the time comes, I'll know. Better to make mistakes than have regrets?
Partially because I feel we don't need to set up a time and date to talk.
But mostly because I'm afraid.
I'm afraid we'll talk about my future and I won't know where I'm going or what I'm doing anymore. I'm afraid of deciding... making the wrong decision... regretting. I'm afraid that I'll realize that you weren't as lenient as I thought and that you've been telling me what to do this entire time and without you, I'll be nothing. I'm afraid of so many possibilities I've been trying to avoid.
If I were to give myself advice, I'd tell myself to just do it. Or better yet, make it count. I'd face my fears for there is nothing to fear but fear itself. I'd do the right thing because I can only imagine now but when the time comes, I'll know. Better to make mistakes than have regrets?
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