Clarity

I think the first time I met you was when Jessica and I ran into Michael at Jamba Juice and we started talking about what a coincidence we were both there at the same time. He said he just finished watching a movie with his friends whom he then introduced us to. I thought WonJae was you but you were the one who lost his wallet in the theatre instead. It was the beginning of the school year. I didn't think I'd ever see you again or anybody else that I met during those first few weeks anyway. Little did I know...

My next memory of you would have to be when I started to realize you were the owner of that cute bike from math class. The pink bike with all the stickers. RIP <3 I finally caught you outside of class and said hi. I remember you being slightly offended but amused when I complimented you on your oh-so cute bike.

One day, you just popped up at my place and I was really surprised because I just got out of the shower and wasn't expecting company. You said your apartment mates were smoking or something and you didn't want to be there so you had nowhere else to go. What a lost puppy. (: I told you I was going to Jessica's in a bit and you said you'd go over there to hang out with Stephanie too, so we just walked together. You didn't really hang out with Stephanie; I don't think she was home. You stayed in the living room on the couch and I remember sitting on you because you were so tired you just planked on the couch. I also petted you. I didn't really look into how especially physical I was with you but everybody else did. I remember I was trying to prove Jessica wrong that a friend who just happened to be a boy asking me to hang out at the mall and have dinner with him was not a date, so I asked you, y'know, since you were a boy and well, I guess that was the first real conversation we ever had--if I had just went on my first date or not. You gave me your honest opinion and I remember how I thoroughly enjoyed hearing you speak.

I think I woke up the next day and was alerted by Jessica that Victoria told her that you rhetorically asked, "Wouldn't it be cool if Emily liked me?" or something of the sort. I didn't really read much into it but Jessica pressed me to decide if I really liked you or not, because if I did, I should take a chance on you but if I didn't, I should stop toying with you. I never really decided because I knew myself and I knew I would lose interest once I found out you liked me. So, I forced myself into denial--denial that you liked me and denial that I liked you. Master of Denial, Oxnard? I never admitted it until after I said goodbye. Talk about timing, much?

Anywho, I remember Hullabaloo, how I introduced you to Alvin and their little group so you could make some "friends" but Hullabaloo didn't turn out so amazing so Jessica and I decided to ditch and somehow, you came with us to ERC to play Foosball. You and Jessica versus me and you still couldn't beat lil 'ol me. Hehe, I remember having lots of fun with y'all.

I think we started studying together when Stephanie texted Jessica asking if you could come over to study for 20C. Alvin, Derek, and Kip were already there so it couldn't hurt if you came. You took forever to come though so I messaged you on Facebook, asking you when you'd come. That's when the Facebook conversation started. I don't know how long it was before you finally asked for my number (you told me you were trying to think of a really clever way of asking for my number) but you just did it one day and that's when the text messages started.

You were the first one I visited the Fallen Star with.

" the first one I watched the sunset with.

" the first one to ever hold my hand.

I remember talking to you was really fun because you were such a strange specimen and you were so confident in your stories and opinions. I was always really happy when I talked to you and I'd stay up just a little longer each night to talk to you. 

I remember the naps.

I remember the sweater you lent me that one night.

I remember lots actually.

Remember that one time I was napping on you and you put your arm around me? I was so happy that after you left, I ran downstairs and rejoiced with the first person I saw. In retrospect, I guess I knew pretty early on that I liked you.

Then that fateful day when everything happened... I still remember it--too vividly at that. But I remember that night, I cried myself to sleep--that was a first. I remember reaching for the phone to type out a text to you, then realizing that I wasn't supposed to, then erasing it, then rewriting it and wanting to send it, but stopping myself from hitting the 'Send' button, and repeating this process a thousand times.

After a while, I found out some things about you and I got real angry because I felt cheated and lied to and all these negative feelings, but in the end, I still believe you were and are a good person--just misunderstood. Some people called me foolish but whatever, to each his own. It was hard at first, defending you against all those who see the bad in you, taking the role of the antagonist, fighting against myself.

& throughout this entire period, I felt like I didn't deserve to miss you because I chose to walk away and I shouldn't miss you because they told me how you weren't worth missing, but there are times when I really miss you, just never enough to put everyone through what happened again.

I still have your number.
I still have that note you wrote me when I napped on your leg.
I still have all the conversations and pictures and memories.

I guess there was always this small part of me hoping for something to happen, but I'm ready to let it go. I can't say I like you anymore because I don't know who you are anymore. I mean, I haven't spoken to you in what feels like ages. You're nothing but a memory now, just like the rest of them. I held onto you for so long and it's finally clear to me that you won't ever come back into my life again. We both deserve better and with all this out of my system, I hope to achieve clarity. I'm sorry but "I'm too relieved to grieve." Haha, Frozen <3

& with this, I've deleted your note from my phone, your messages, your number...
When the clock strikes midnight on the 31st, happy birthday, Lu! (:

P.S. Funny how I didn't run into you once this quarter... kind of.