My dad will always make the best eggs.

Bucket list: to present a speech as moving and fluently as Emma Watson.

"If not me, who?
If not now, when?"

I'm constantly changing.

Is it too much of me to want you to feel the guilt and remorse that comes with all your words, actions, and decisions? I want you to know that you affect me with the simplest roll of the eye. I want you to recognize the pain and hurt associated with me. I want you to think about how I feel for once--put me first when it matters most to me.

I used to wave away these feelings, tell myself I didn't matter as long as you were happy, but you told me otherwise. Now I'm just tired... of thinking, keeping it all in like a massive reservoir of negative emotions. My walls are cracking and you're not helping the least bit.

What do I do when talking to you doesn't work--when trying is no longer beneficial to me or to you? Is this the end? Helplessness again?

Sigh, pizza didn't even help. Nor did tacos. Maybe I'm having another one of those attention-deficient days. Maybe we should all become dogs... or burritos... or sea lions. Yeah, sea lions.

nurture vs. nature

When your roots are hypocritical, judgmental, and downright discriminating, it's difficult to believe in your own morals and grow to be the person you want to be. As much as you try to shed yourself of the bad, you're always paranoid that deep down inside, you can never get rid of it completely because it's a part of you--because it's in your blood. Then you think, how and why are you a this person? Did these cynical people raise you to be the opposite to right their wrongs? Did you grow up and decide this yourself? Maybe you're actually one of them, but going through a morally rebellious stage.

Sigh... because family.

I hate it when people keep you just for the sake of having you. But not needing you. I could have been doing things I needed to do, things I wanted to do. I'm not choosing anyone else over you. I'm putting myself first. Then when you don't allow me to do what I wanted to, I cope and live and I stay with you and do whatever you want me to. Of course I'm unhappy because you're being unreasonable and selfish but I move on. I put you first and you should know that I gave up what I wanted for you. But you don't realize that. I rarely feel appreciated. Instead, you make a big fuss and become unhappy with me. Why? Because you can't deal with the fact that you're the reason why. You can't accept responsibility for my unhappiness and you can't handle letting go of me for happiness. Then when everyone around you is drowning in unhappiness, you decide that everything's back to normal and everyone needs to be happy again.

Je n'ai pas la patate aujourd'hui. 

We were madly in love, but suddenly you left and I had no idea why. Someone just told me you had gotten on a plane and flown away but from what? Me? Us? What had I done wrong? I didn't know what to do; I was a sack of wet potatoes. All I knew how to do was cry. My best friend came over, put one hand on my shoulder, and told me, "Go to him." So I did. (Now that I think about it, that would be a completely illogical action to take. That's why, ladies and gentlemen, this is a dream.) On the way there, sadness morphed itself into anger--ferocity! Who the hell gave you permission to uproot my happiness in an instant? I don't even know how I got into the plane. I just remember storming to your assigned seat, then losing all sense of motion when I saw you sitting there. Your head was down so you didn't see me at first, so I could have gotten off the plane. You wouldn't have noticed. I could have just left and pretended like nothing had happened. But my legs wouldn't give. I couldn't go forward, couldn't reverse; my feet were glued to the ground--until the flight attendant asked me to take my seat, that is. Caught by surprise, I fumbled and almost fell onto the man two seats in front of you--that's when you decide to look up. (Of course.) I don't remember what happened next--a series of silences, stutters, unfinished sentences--but before I could say anything comprehensible, you took me into your arms and I was home again.

---

I entered the restroom with an urgent need to pee but the first stall was kind of gross looking, so I kept searching. The second stall was flowing with feces and the rest of the stalls seemed occupied. I returned to the first stall.

---

We were at some kind of convention in the wild west and suddenly, the apocalypse happened. As in, roads started to crack and people started killing each other. I told my parents to run and they did, but then I was caught by this really big man who was a teacher(?). I just respected him a lot but he was trying to kill my family, so I took one of his knives and stabbed him in his arm or leg--somewhere to slow him down but not kill him, but he just looked at me and smiled. Shocked by his nonchalant reaction, I withdrew the dagger and stabbed him in the same spot again but he still didn't respond. I started to run and caught up to my family, but somehow, the man and his accomplice was right behind me and captured me. He was about to slit my throat but then some ominous voice echoed, "Don't do it. You know she'll kill you back if you do. Just leave her be." With that, he dropped the knife and I let out a sigh of relief.

(There were more but can't remember anymore. Each time I woke up, I had the intention of going back to the previous dream to find out what happened next, but it's like my mind was telling me to move on. Off to the next adventure I go!)

fate at its finest

Last Christmas or some Christmases ago, somebody gave me this laptop case and I really didn't like, mostly because it's for a 16" and my prior baby was only 12"(?) So, it was just kind of useless to me. The case was stashed away and forgotten and my beloved malfunctioned and my uncle sprang a new laptop on me.

Then yesterday when I was cleaning the closet out, I found it again and just kind of felt sigh-what-am-i-going-to-do-with-this-now. The tags were all ripped up so I cut them off and when I brought it into my room... Lo and behold, it fits my current fatty of a laptop and is now my new laptop case.

Not sure if that'll make sense to me 10 years from now. I'm a little rusty with writing, but it's like Life is my own personalized "Fortunately, Unfortunately" book and I'm just really happy when chapters end with Fortunately.