I love it when artists uses the panning effect in their songs.
It confuses me so much.

BIBC102

So last quarter was pretty hellish and I blamed it on the fact that the classes I were taking were too rigorous and I just didn't have time. But I could always make time? But they were really difficult and too much to handle all in one quarter. But was it because I just couldn't handle it? That I wasn't good enough?

These were questions that I constantly battled. My dad's always instilled this mentality in me that if I wanted it badly enough, I could do it. "When there's a will, there's a way." Basically all these really positive mottos and slogans. He was my mental cheerleader. And that mentality was a great thing to have... when I was on top.

But when you fall, you begin to wonder how it happened. One thought leads to the next and inevitably, you begin to question yourself. You're the number one suspect. You let it happen. You have failed yourself and others around you. You are guilty.

These thoughts were vultures, circling me throughout my college years, waiting to swoop in and pick off my carcass when I was most vulnerable.

And I endured the pain.

(I actually diagnosed myself with depression for a moment there, but that's another story.)

I told myself that it could only get better from here and I continued on, with that same mentality--that I was a superhero and as long as I tried hard enough, things will be better.

But I was wrong. Things got worse. I'm not a superhero. I failed--and not in the melodramatic way either, but I actually, really failed a class. It gets worse: I actually thought I would have gone out with an A in that class. Hilarious, no?

After some crying, lots of thinking, and a "mourning" period, I picked myself up. I was going to redeem myself and retake the class. I was going to take on 20 units and do other stuff and be proud and happy about it. I was going to organize my time so wisely, I would be jealous of myself.

Then this morning, I found out that I didn't need to take the class. That starting from now on, that class was no longer required for my major. The class that I had failed last quarter. The class whose grade would permanently ruin my permanent record didn't matter anymore. Oh, did I mention today is also the last day to drop any classes? (Shoutout to the advising committee.)

So, I have two choices: to drop that dreaded class and move on with my life and make the most of everything OR to stay in the class and try to redeem myself and replace my fail grade with a less fail grade. And there are so many factors that I have to consider with each option--so many variables that come into play in this unfortunate equation.

And I still don't know what my answer is.
I'm wandering and I feel like I'm just getting more and more lost.

Life's just kinda been throwing me around--it gives me hope and strings me along for the ride and then just completely crushes me--repeating this cycle over and over and for what? To test my strength? It's really hard to keep your eyes on the prize when you don't even know what's at the end of the tunnel.

I just really wanted it to work out. For something academic-related to work out for once in my life. But all attempts have been futile... and I'm still lost.

Actually, I'm on the bed, singing TSwizzle songs. Because, y'know... TSwift solves everything.

Winter Job Fair 2015

• EMD Millipore: R&D is looking for someone with lots of lab experience. If you don't have any and miraculously still get an interview, you gotta super WOW them. Or else, no.
• Onefinestay: Really nice design and concept. PIRCH-related? I really like it but it has nothing to do with my major--of course.
• Pharmatek: Typical btech company.
• Meridus Health Comm: Interesting because not lab-oriented, but marketing side? Like CRB--a third-party that communicates with the btech companies and streamlines them. All about efficiency and such. I like but they're looking for either a Ph.D. to read and translate hardcore papers OR more on the sales side. I am neither. -.-
• Dart NeuroScience: Cool because Extreme Memory Tournament sounds cool and it's related to Alzheimer's research but on a more science level. Unfortunately, even though it's labelled a BTECH company, it's not looking for any straight BTECH kids--only chem side or tech side. Unfortunately, no inbetweenies.

Proud of myself for putting myself out there even though I still felt weird, but much better than I had imagined it would be. Uncle Mark's advice helped.

There is no such other joy as comparable as laughing with my parents.

Really, it can't be duplicated. It brings tears to my eyes and cramps to my stomach like no other. And it's so easy. Something so simple can make us laugh for way too long. 

I've really missed it.

I think everyone needs this kind of happiness in their lives.

I'm not asking for much--just one genuine laugh per day.

Life is like trying to keep your skin moisturized.
Life is like exercising.
Life is like school.

Miss a day or two and it's like all the hard work you did in the beginning is gone. Ultimately, you did nothing. You're back on Day One and you gotta work your way to the top again.

Which (on pessimistic days) get you thinking like, "Why even bother doing all these things in the first place anyway?"

Once you start something and keep at it, it becomes routine. Routine rarely gets recognition, but once you stop or fall or fail, that gets remembered forever.

Aye, I'm arguing with myself again. It's just a matter of perspective and right now, I guess I'm not feeling so positive.